I'm tired, I've been suppressing a lot recently.. Not to speak, not to show my feelings...But they are growing, and my thoughts.. well, I should just write them bare, as I understand my inability to really put things coherently in my voice.
I'm unlikable.
I'm annoying.
I am a burden.
I am useless.
I am nothing more then another tool in this war, this never ending horrible war.. To do nothing more then to put them back together and send them back out to become injured, kill, and die.
All I can hope is that I am killed in battle one of these days to never see this coming apocalypse.. I'm hopeless to this all, I've given so much to try and change things... Only to fail, and fail, and fail, Only living through this.. this.. false sense of self, false sense of achievements that I shouldn't of been able to do, other then sheer force of stubborn will, that I can only imagine as me slamming my helm again and again against a wall.
...I guess, despite my sniveling, and loneliness, I'm to continue, and at least protect New Harmonex, make it at least one place of sanctuary.. I'll need to work to make sure it can stand its own against any onslaught, Maybe that much I can do.. I think.. Much as my tears run down my mesh.
I guess...I am to only to start over... I cannot let anyone know my morals, thoughts, or feelings anymore... Only trouble, pain and sadness follow.
Ratchet, Dawnfire, First Aid, Backblast, only them I can trust.. Perhaps Optimus, Jazz, and Symphony as well but.. I do not know, and need to keep them at a arms length.
I resign myself to this fate... Perhaps a punishment, for defying 'fate' at every turn.
I'm shrill.
I am Stubborn.
I am Weak.
I am naïve.
I am stupid.
I am trouble.
I am exhausting.
I am dramadic.
I am scared.
I am nothing but trouble and a burden.
I will speak no more.
Yet I still wonder... Is this to be our eternal fate that cannot be changed? A foolish thought I assume most will point out should I ever verbalize it, still.. All I can do now, is be alone in my thoughts, and play the role as the good-little-war-medic everyone else wishes for me to be, instead of finding my own path...
...This is, perhaps, truly.. a Hopeless situation.
--Starlock of New Harmonex
Edit: After writing this, it occurred to me, had anyone else read this, they would think I would be attention seeking, emotionally and mentally manipulative, and that.. that just angers me.. I don't like thinking of my.. I suppose, team mates, this way, but it is a reality I can't ignore.
I have always warned, I am not the hopeful mask I try to keep on to try and appease others, I am angry, I am pessimistic, but also pragmatic.
My distrust is not out of hatrid of them, but of fear, I must protect myself, for no one else will.. I have been burned in trying to do so, many times before, stabbed in the back as a good metaphor, for a mental image. So I must be resourceful to protect myself, to lie, to do what ever it takes to survive... Else others doing the same will gladly kill me.
To whom may reading this, if anyone ever is, if not, well, will make me feel better at least:
Despite my hopes to die, I still posses a will to live, and to change the world around me for the better, no matter how hopeless it seems, So I will fight to live, and do that, despite my dower outlook, its just the reality I've come to accept though my years of living and being disappointed.
I am not above making friends, I greatly want them, honestly... I hate being alone, but I am aware I don't mesh well with others, and I am... hard, to accept with how I am, its why it makes the rejection of when I show my true self, as they ever ask, hurt so much more, they want the me that is a mask, not the me that fears, that is searching for some purpose, some kind of comfort in my life that I've lost, and the earnest attempts I make with those with other views..
I am aware I cause a lot of my own pain, but what is worth fighting for that doesn't cause pain? I doubt anything good, honestly.
I fall, I cry, I get up, I try again, until I get it right, I have to try, I don't claim to know what is better for someone or in general, only that my spark tells me.
I think this song puts it well:
The dark side in my heart is
It’s misery within a past that I just can’t erase
It’s alright, cause I don’t give a damn
The trigger is warm within my hand
My life is in my control
I threw it all away
'Cause it was just an empty frame
There’s no proof I exist
Hell, it took everything I have to save myself
How did it all end up like this?
I see the path I’ve long avoided
There’s no one left
And nowhere else to go
Fate can screw itself and die
As I helplessly only cry for pride
Ah, Ah, Ah, Alone in my world
I cry a song of love
This world is twisted
You blink and miss it
All of my hopes and dreams
They break and fall away
I’m so sick and tired of this torment
Goodbye precious life
The dark cloud in my heart is
A thunderstorm that’s throwing bolts of light
Into this my path of mine
Let’s fight, I won’t hesitate
I’m not afraid as I raise up my duel-edged blade
My life, I don’t live it alone
The people that I love
Right now I hear them calling me
There’s proof that I exist
And now that they are here
It’s like I’ve been released
How did it all end up like this?
I see the path I’ve long avoided
But now that all my hesitation’s gone …
Fate can screw itself and die
As I’m screamin’ out, yeah I try for pride
Ah, Ah, Ah, Alone in my world
I hear a song of love
This world is twisted
But I won’t miss it
Into my hands, I’ll crush all my complaining cries
Though it sometimes sucks
I’ll grin and bear it
It’s my precious life
YEAH –
Fate can screw itself and die
As I helplessly only cry for pride
Ah, Ah, Ah, Alone in my world
I cry a song of love
This world is twisted
You blink and miss it
All of my hopes and dreams
They break and fall away
I’m so sick and tired of this torment
Goodbye precious life
Fate could take a new coat of paint
While I’m bruised and beaten, try for pride
Ah, Ah, Ah, Alone in my world
I’ll sing a song of love
This world is twisted
But I won’t miss it
And with the bonds we’ve made
They will keep us strong
Though it sometimes sucks
I’ll grin and bear it
It’s my precious life
So... What do you think of me, now that you know? am I the foolish-head-in-the-clouds femme you think I am? am I the overdramatic pessimist with no hope that should be put out of her sadness?
I hope you know, as I do not.