09/08/2020 - Its been a long time. - Starlock
Its been sometime since I wrote in this journal, seems my previous entries are long gone, I think I may of deleted them, I don't remember, I just know i'd probably cringe at them now... Still, suppose its good I start writing in this thing again.
Where to even start?
I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm angry, The pressure is mounting, Time is running out,
I can't fall apart, not now, not yet, not when I am so close, not when I can almost reach out and touch that light at the end of this endless war.
Maybe once they see what I've been working too, maybe they'll understand why I've been the way I have been... Course that's just a hope, pretty sure people will still hate me regardless. Hell, people think I shouldn't hope, but hope is what has gotten me as far as I have... Still though, it's also has taken brains, planning, keeping secrets, sowing seeds of doubt with truths and facts.. Once this all ends I just hope I can finally rest.. That they can finally rest.. ...A months long sleep sounds great, with a boiling hot bath, heh, that would be nice, Star Hauler's Spa idea sounds so nice right now.
Till then, I really need to talk to Crosswise and get the New Harmonex crystals going, planing on taking Dawnfire with us to meet Krystallos... Really glad we got the New Harmonex defenses up first... Still want to get Calyhex moved over, will do her and the remaining patients mental psyches so much better, since there will be more people to talk to and be around.
Wont be alone again, and can learn what people are like..Been teaching her up to date medical practices as well.
Hmm She also wants to leave the worst patients safely in space, I don't know how to feel about that, it.. feels Wrong, just stranding them up there, at the same time I can't really stop her, just help guide her, and make sure those sparks end up in a space place...
...I feel bad I keep complaining of how miserable, and lonely I am, even more knowing its because of what I am working towards, but I did accept that when I started this.. Still, better out, then In, Right? Helps me keep going, also gives the illusion I'm not aware of why people don't like me, and keeps everything well hidden.
That note, I'll need to be careful, they probably have someone watching me, need to keep close to Dawnfire. (Speaking of, Sweet Primus he is sweet! and cute and adsasdasd! I think I have a fragging crush on him, a crush! I don't get crushes! It's always been the other way around, I don't know how to handle this. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Solus, Alchemist Prime and Mortilus Help me, I am not a good partner, I am a bitter, scheming, petty-bitch...)
I really need to stop with the self deprication, it only makes my mental state worse.