Log Title: Too Much Too Fast
Location: Calyhex Psychiatric Hospital - Uraya
Date: October 22, 2020
TP: Non-TP
Summary: Cybertronians are a long-lived species. Rapid change happens even to them, but when too many happen too fast it can lead to stress. Even for those designed for it. Things and feels. Not all are good.
As logged by Ghost
TFU - Thursday, October 22, 2020
Calyhex Psychiatric Hospital - Uraya[]
Ghost has made her way to Calyhex and is now on foot, walking through the doors. As she moves, head bowed, she flexes one wing, then the other, shaking off some tension the further she enters first the outskirts then the titan herself.
Calyhex has the gates wide open ready for visitors. As Ghost enters the door, the lights flicker in a happy greeting and the hologram appears in the main reception room. "Hello, you have walked a long way. Are you alright?" she asks, tilting her head. A few seconds later, the sound of claw-like fingers and toes can be heard scampering across the metal floor and Hush bolts down the hall. "Is' Ghost!" he greets, followed by Scope who is walking calmer and carrying some tarps. "Hey there. Just getting the engex and tarps ready." he says with a smile.
Ghost's optics brighten, shifting more gold than violet, rustling her wing panels. "Simply a bit tired, Calyhex. It's been a long two days." Head cocking, finials pricking forward as she can hear Hush scampering. A smile and she seems to relax perhaps a bit more, shedding Intel CO and sliding into 'just Ghost'. "Su'cuy Hush, Scope." Headtilt, "No need to do anything out of the usual. I'm fine with a solid wall behind me and a choke point in case of trouble."
Calyhex nods her holographic head. "I hope theres no trouble. We have the energy stores almost full now. Its almost time." she looks to Ghost. "What has you stressed the last few days?" Scope starts to set up a tarp and pillow nest for Ghost. "Lockup's checking fuel reserves and should be up soon." Scope says. "We have Earth movies if you wanna relax."
Ghost shakes her head, "No trouble that I'm aware of right now above the usual." She flexes wings again, shaking panels out then smiles, "Too many new things too fast, ad'ika and naught time to find myself again so to speak." Attention shifting to the pillow and tarp nest and she quiets, stilling. Just a moment before she bounces back, "Would you like me to run a final code check before you.. go do the thing I shouldn't know about?" tone amused.
Calyhex sighs "New things? New things with your work?" she says. "Tell us about it?" she asks as Scope brings over the warm engex. "If you want." Calyhex says. "Tonight I want you to relax. You are always working when you come here."
Ghost takes the warm engex then drops into the pillow and tarp nest, stretching out with a sigh. "I can't talk about work. But the new things." head cocking, optics glinting gold as she -looks- off at a wall perhaps, trailing off and just watching the code around her quietly, letting it wash over her.
Calyhex nods "What you say in here never leaves. We don't judge." she lets Ghost stare off. "What sort of new things..."
Ghost blinks, "I can -see- titan code but I'm not a cityspeaker or so Windblade said. It's just different enough. She could feel there was something between you and I." trailing off into silence, just watching, relaxing, "I.. I'm apparently spark coded for carrier as well. This new frame, they added that and it.. sings.. feels so, so, so right. but I don't know how it works and I'm lost. I'm so lost. No more oaths binding but so much more now." voice soft, near a whisper, flattening in tone as she sounds distant, disassociated.
Calyhex blinks "She knew we were friends?" Hush moves to curl up next to Ghost and Scope keeps a polite distance. "Do I hurt you?" Calyhex asks. "Is this wrong?"
Ghost nods, "She said she could pick something up between us." Looking at Hush, blinking before curving around the smaller mech for a moment, giving him a quick hug then moving back to resting in the pillow pile. Wing panels give a flick then settle, her tone remaining soft and distant, "I hurt myself. It isn't you at all."
Calyhex tilts her head. "How did you hurt yourself if its me hurting you?" she asks slowly. Hush skitters into Ghost's lap and makes a feral, animal like purr, just sitting with her, keeping her lap warm. Scope chuckles. "He loves you you know that?"
GAME: Ghost FAILS an INTELLIGENCE roll of Very High difficulty.
Ghost blinks, optics darkening. She absently rests a hand on Hush as he colonizes her lap, growing motionless. "Because I'm not strong enough to resist." absolutely flat tone now. "And he shouldn't. I'm a monster. And monsters are not loved. Feared? Yes. Tolerated? Yes. Used for other ends. Yes. But never loved."
Calyhex tilts her head "You are very strong. You are one of the strongest people we know. And we're all monsters here..."
Ghost gives a slow shake of her head, blinking black optics before attempting a smile, working to put herself back 'on'. "Calyhex. I'm a Decepticon. I was made a monster. Those here.. Well.. they didn't begin life as one but, it doesn't matter." Half smile, "Someone mentioned a movie?"
Calyhex nods "Yes! We have access to the movies." she says. "What movie would you like to see?" she says, letting Ghost choose. "And monster isn't red or purple. We're all monsters."
[Con-Tapes] Soundwave says, "Does everyone just want to sleep in Ghost now and this is ok?"
[Con-Tapes] Slugfest says, "Only sometimes? No wants all the times. Just sleepovers."
Ghost seems to shrink in on herself a bit, then asks softly, "Calyhex?"
Calyhex tilts her head. "Yes?" she asks.
Ghost asks softly, "Can you make it where I can't feel anymore?"
Calyhex tilts her head "Why do you not want to feel?" she asks.
Ghost murmurs, looking up at the ceiling, "Because it hurts. Because it's distracting. Because I can't think around it all sometimes. Because it's getting in the way of duty. There's no room for it there. I should find a mainframe and just.. let go. Data is so much easier."
Calyhex sighs. "What feeling is getting in the way? It is better to talk about it then.." she looks down the hall about the same time one of Lockup's drones walks by. "You know."
[Con-Tapes] Soundwave says, "Harbinger, report."
[Con-Tapes] Harbinger says, "<can't currently respond, the link with her has the feeling of a sleep-cycle>"
Ghost blinks, "All of them. I can't talk about them. I try, things lock up. I go flat. I move on. I don't understand them. I just want them gone. Or like before where they were fleeting things that didn't.. ache.. and hurt.. and twist and stab."
Calyhex pauses. "The problem sounds like..you haven't talked enough. Maybe you need to do more talking about them instead of less feeling?" she asks.
Ghost shakes her head then offers a smile of sorts, brittle but slowly looking less so. "I'm just tired, Calyhex. It's been a long two days. And I get.. odd when I haven't rested in a while. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything at all. It was rude to bring the mood down. Rude and untoward."
Calyhex tilts her head and blinks "It's not rude. I asked and you answered. Maybe it was rude of me." Hush curls closer. "You're safe here." Scope nods. "He's right you know. You're safe here. And you can talk when you want to talk if you want to. What happens in Calyhex stays in Calyhex."
Ghost gives a shake of her head, then curls into the pillow-nest. "I shouldn't have answered quite so harshly. It's impolite." Optics narrowing, dimming, The band on her right hand flickers blue a moment.. then fades. "I think I need to rest.. And just -listen-see-feel-. Lose myself in the code. Yes..." sleepy sounding, "Such beautiful code." fading faster and faster as she drops most of her guard, letting what she sees-senses wash over like listening to the wind or the ocean.
Calyhex nods "Yes. Have good dreams of code." Scope joins Hush in the pile. "You three have good dreams."