Transformers Universe MUX
Advertisement

Log Title: 80s Christmas - G.I. Joe POV

Characters: Baroness, BATs, Sergeant Blizzard, Buster, Cliffjumper, Cobra Commander, Cover Girl, Destro, Dust Devil, Gigawatt, Hawk, Hound, Lady Jaye, Polly, Roadblock, Shipwreck, Spike, Starlock, Vipers

Location: Earth

Date: December 24, 1988/December 24, 2020

TP: Tall Tales TP

Summary: Cobra ruins a Christmas cookout.

As logged by 80s-Shipwreck - Wednesday, December 23, 2020, 6:10 PM


Aberdeen Proving Ground - Earth - 1988

Aberdeen Proving Ground (APG) is a U.S. Army facility located adjacent to Aberdeen, Maryland, United States.


'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the Pit
The toilets were backed up, and the place smelled like - wait, wrong story.

'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the base
The Joes had been decorating, brightening the place
The stocking were hung off tank turrets with care
And Christmas party merriment hung in the air
The Joes were all relaxed in the Pit mess hall
And those stuck there for Christmas were having a ball!
With Hawk dressed like Santa, and Shipwreck in red cap,
Presents waited under a tree, in gaudy giftwrap.

Lady Jaye

80s-Lady Jaye is currently humming, going to get out some of the tinsel. Glancing up at the ceiling and -just- missing the Tonka Truck that had been repurposed to hold a giant stick with Mistletoe on the end of it. "When was the last time we had a party like this?"

       Cue flashback to a Jem concert.


Shipwreck is indeed wearing a bright red Christmas cap trimmed in white faux fur instead of his normal "Dixie Cup" service hat. It clashes slightly with his light blue short-sleeve shirt, but Shipwreck doesn't seem to care. Eggnog in hand, he's regaling nearby Joes with a Navy tale from his submarine training.

"...OOD explains the situation," Shipwreck continues, "and we get ready for PD again. This time the CO turns on the perivis monitor that shows what the periscope sees. We go up again and the OOD is doing his sweep and yells, 'Emerg!' and the CO cuts him off and yells, 'NO NO NO!' He throws him the scope and yells, 'THAT'S THE FUCKING MOON!'"


"Been a while, but looks like this one we can actually have a good time." Santa Hawk says. "No sign of Cobra wanting to pull another Christmas switcheroo with equipment." he says, tugging his beard slightly to take a sip of punch.


Looking around for the moment, Cover Girl takes a sip of egg nog, listening and relaxing. "Even if they don't trythe same thing a second time, the night isn't over yet. Be nice if it did stay quiet though, yes."


80s-Lady Jaye would let out a smile at GEneral Hawk, "Yes Sir. But we'll always be on the alert. You never know -what- Cobra is up to. Them being quiet just means they're getting ready for their next plot."


80s-Roadblock s manning a cook's station, where else would he be. Chef's hat cocked, he's standing over a deep fryer where something that smells like heaven gently boils in the oil. To the side is another propane-powered behemoth of a pot where a burbling stew gently simmers. And nearby is a pop up table laden with the fruits of labor, his and others, in prepping a veritable feast for the eyes and belies. "Nah, no leave that alone, man. It goes in next. Turducken's hard t' deep fry."


As if on cue (the Joes jinxed it!), the festivities are interrupted by a beep from the monitoring console. SFC Blizzard comes on-screen. "Sorry to interrupt your revelries," he says immediately, with a touch of scorn. "But we're picking up some seriously weird signals from the North Pole. Definitely some unusual activity there, and if you're all not too soused on mulled wine, I'd suggest you check it out. Sending coordinates now. Sergeant Blizzard out."


80s-Hawk looks over to the console, and groans slightly. "Merry Christmas to us." he says, setting the punch down on a table. "Well, if we have to go the North Pole, no better time than Christmas Eve."


80s-Cover Girl ... stares at the screen, shaking her head slightly after the message ends. "acts unapproving of our party, then deliver sa line about activity at the North Pole on Christmas Eve with a completely straight face?" She shakes her head, then laguhs. "Yes, sir."


Shipwreck looks over with a scowl. "Well, isn't that just the luck?"

"*SQUAWK!* Just the luck!" Polly the Parrot shrieks from Shipreck's shoulder.


"Guess it's good I have my long underwear and dungarees in my bunk," Shipwreck laments, setting down his eggnog. Turning to Roadblock, he frowns, "I don't suppose any of that will keep 'til we get back?" Shipwreck's stomach audibly growls.


80s-Lady Jaye would just frown, "It could be bad. What if Cobra decides they want to hold the world hostage and keep it in perpetual winter? We'll always be in the Fro-Zone! Stuck in an Ice Age!" She's going to rapidly go to get her Winter Camo Gear!


"I wouldn't put it past the snakes, it's just the crazy idea they'd try." Hawk says.


80s-Cover Girl heads to get her winter gear. "Or hold the ice cap hostage under threat of melting it. Imagine the flooding if that happened."


80s-Roadblock looks up from watching a turkey reach the pinnacle of crispy golden-brown goodness. He stares at the screen, frowns, "Awww..." A shake of his head, chef's hat jingling a bit with the bells around the rim. "Don't let th' biscuits burn." He heaves the turkey out of the pot, setting it aside to cool. "Good thing mama's crawfish stew an' jambalaya only gets better th' longer it cooks." A look at Shipwreck as he moves away from the cooks station, snagging a tray of assorted cookies, sweets and sudry other baked goods. "We're takin' this with us."


Shipwreck grins at Roadblock as he makes his cookie proclamation. "Now that's what I'm talkin' about," he enthuses, running off to quickly change into cold-weather gear. Returning faster than seems possible, he checks his pistol and boarding hooks. "Never know when these might be handy," he grins with a Jack Nicholson sneer. "Hope we have some Snow Cats ready in the area," he smirks. "Been a while since I'm wrecked one."

"Bad driver!" Polly shrieks.

Shipwreck gives the parrot a glare.


"You wreck another one and I'll take it out of your paycheck." Hawk says with a smirk. "Let's go, Joes. Can't keep Santa waiting, after all."


80s-Cover Girl returns in he cold weather gear, and watches the sweets and bake goods get snagged. "Smart to bring some extra calories along just in case, for certain." She smiles.


80s-Roadblock hands the tray over to Shipwreck, "Hold these, gotta go put real pants and jacket on." barreling past the table, snagging a biscuit on his way to gear up and returning, his santa's apron folded over an arm. He leaves that at the cook station, looking at the sideboard with a wistful frown, "Man, why's the interruption always come so close to eatin' time." Another biscuit in hand, armed and bearing baked goods, he shakes his head.


Even in heavy winter outfit (that is also not white pattern camouflage), Lady Jaye still has a few buttons undone. Going to have a cluster of javelins with her as she would be readying them. "Should I use the new boxing glove one?" Because sometimes you need to punch someone but you're not close enough to do it.


"Well, we'd better get this out of the way and hope it's something minor so we can get back to our party." Hawk says. "Let's head out, Joes."

North Pole - Earth - 1988

NOW PLAYING: https://www.videodoubler.com/combo/96186

MEANWHILE

At the North Pole, the everpresent night soothes away the struggles of the day, and the light snowfall tinkles down to the planet in the purifying way that only snow can.

Nothing was stirring.

HISS Tanks

EXCEPT SIX HISS TANKS!

Cobra Vipers, dressed up in red and green insulated outfits, stand at attention. Secondary prepartion vehicles wheel about behind the facade of a small workshop at the top of the world.

And there he is, the Scrooge Scourge, the Bad Santa himself, Cobra Commander, escorted by several of his Vipers.

Cobra Commander wears over his pressed and inspection ready uniform, a bulbous Santa costume, complete with red santa hat over his helmet, and fake beard. "Holiday Vipers. See to it that this Santa's shop is ready and able. I want it jolly and full of Christmas cheer."

Holiday Viper #3 nods as others start setting up a hot chocolate bar nearby. "Yes, Cobr..." A hand goes up to interrupt him, "SANTA Command.....er..."

A humph, and after a beat "Alright, fine just Cobra Commander."

"Cobra Commander, yes sir."

The Santa-wannabee slashes his hand across and forward, his palm open as he directs his troops, "Handle the V-3 Rockets with care....for in hopes that WORLD DOMINATION soon will be ther..here." He coughs.

Several DETONATOR vehicles, with their candy-striped rockets are loaded into place. Suddenly the Commander points at one of his crew, "YOU! REPORT, VIPER!" The Holiday Viper approaches, unnerved, but salutes the mercurial Commander, "Holday Viper #69 reporting sir!" Cobra Commander manages a snicker, "Nice. YOU'RE OUT OF UNIFORM!"

"SIR! I'm wearing green and red, as requested, Sir!"

There's a few moments pause. Cobra Commander lifts up both his mailed hands, "LIIIAAARR!!!" He bashes both hands into the hot chocolate bar, spilling holiday cheer all over the place, his suit included. "You're wearing RED and GREEN, I DISTINCTLY SAID GREEN AND RED! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FESTIVE!"

He gestures to the Viper, "Take him away! There'll be no turkey dinner for you!" The Commander surveys the scene, as his other vipers begin to replace the hot chocolate bar with the emergency backup hot chocolate bar. Cobra Commander mutters to himself, "Its a shame too, because I'm really looking forward to that turkey dinner....Starving already."

A group of B.A.T.s, all wearing blue and gold uniforms with a windup key in the back, start Christmas goose stepping down one of the transport planes.

"Once Cobra takes over Christmas, all the world's children will beg their parents to join COBRA!"

       ;80s-Destro

Destro!

Destro flies in on his Dispoiler, which has been decked out in sleigh bells for the occasion. "Once again, Commander, you let your emotions overrule your good judgement. With my Christmas Dominator, we will control children all over the world. They will become our miniature army that no one - Autobot or G.I. Joe - will dare face in combat. The planet will be ours! Patience, Commander. Patience," Destro lectures in his deep Scottish baritone.

Destro is wearing a gold mask and a black Kevlar and leather outfit, complete with a crimson ascot and cape. Golden spikes on his left shoulder match his gold belt and ceremonial sword.

80s-Baroness is currently over in a large tank with the cupola open. "Now zhen, remember. Vee shall take ze elves hostage! Zee reindeer shall be used for games! If zey dew not cooperate zhey weel be made into sausage! Remember, merry Cobra-Mas to all, now zhey are all going to die!" Going to point dramatically over forwards.


Buster has on a jean coat over his T-shirt and is riding along with the Autobots on their journey north. "This is bull," he says, which is about as foul-mouthed as the 13-year-old gets. "I can't believe we're following this guy. Evil Santa? Are you kidding me? Are we going to fight the Easter bunny in the spring?" he asks sarcastically. If only he knew about the arrival of Cyclonus in 1997...


Having little clue who Santa Claus is, along the way to the North Pole, Cliffjumper has done research. Worldwide spy network enforcing behavioral protocols. Black Friday. Christmas Music. Breaking and entering into every home on the planet in a single night. Tracked by NORAD each year. Christmas -specials-. HALLMARK MOVIES. There's only one conclusion.

"Santa Claus is just as big an evil as Megatron. TODAY THE FAT MAN GOES DOWN!"


Earlier:

What Spike gets looks like the Charlie Brown Christmas tree, actually, minus the baubles. It has that same humble look, but when you really begin to look at it in detail, one might notice the pretty blue-green sheen on the pine needles, the bright green of the top tips of the branches... it's actually a pretty little thing, lovingly, if in-experiencedly, wrapped.

Cliffjumper again seems to join ignore Hound, but hopefully the scout got CJ's gun put away, or someone did.Now on to ...Gigawatt. Hound blinks, looking at Spike for confirmation as he asks, "....Santa Claus? I-I thought he was a good guy?" Spike, help me out here.

NOW: Hound is still confused, and still looking at Spike like- did I misunderstand something?


80s-Spike isn't dressed for arctic weather - things happened pretty quickly, but that's the way is with the Autobots! You gotta be on their toes! But don't worry, they'll save the day! Going into big brother mode, Spike says "I'm sure they have a good reason to investigate, I mean...I know it's not SANTA CLAUS, but...maybe...it's like a code for some sort of Decepticon fortress?" He looks at Hound, grateful that the beautiful tree is back where it's well protected. He shrugs, hoping Hound can provide some insight. 80s-Spike looks at Buster and says "Just stay close to me and stay out of trouble."


Starlock is following along in her kombi-mode, keeping more to the back, she is a medic after all, she's equally as confused. "Soo lemme get this straight." She chimes. "Evil santa, the guy in red thats ment to bring gifts to kids?"


Gigawatt arrives with the collection of Autobots and he almost looks like he wishes he was wrong. The North Pole is supposed to be sacred and now this kind of tomfoolery? Totally not something he wants to let happen. "If my calculations are correct..." Gigawatt seems to be scanning the horizon. "When we reach 88 Clicks to the North?" Gigawatt turns to the others and almost smirks. "We're gonna' see some serious scrap."

And by that he probably means all that COBRA-MAS OF EVIL STUFF GOING ON OVER THERE! EVIL SANTA'S WORKSHOP! VIPER ELVES! ETC!


At the Pit, suddenly festivities are interrupted by a beep from the monitoring console. SFC Blizzard comes on-screen. "Sorry to interrupt your revelries," he says immediately, with a touch of scorn. "But we're picking up some seriously weird signals from the North Pole. Definitely some unusual activity there, and if you're all not too soused on mulled wine, I'd suggest you check it out. Sending coordinates now. Sergeant Blizzard out."'


Shipwreck grins at Lady Jaye and raises one playful eyebrow. "Well, you are a knockout, darlin', so it only seems appropriate."

"Squawk! Knock out!" Polly agrees.

"That's what I said, bird. Now pipe down, or I'll leave you on an ice flow when we return."

Polly shuts up abruptly, but his beady narrowed eye suggests he's just waiting to interrupt again.


Soon Shipwreck is on his way to the North Pole with the other Joes, hitching a ride on a Snow Cat as soon as they're put down. He stands up on his seat, the cold wind blowing his red cap in a flutter. "Hold up. Those are Christmas Detonators! We're dealing with some serious firepower, of the Cobra variety!" Shipwreck glances down at Frostbite. "Pull me alongside one of them! I'll take it out - maybe use it against Cobra!"

Polly hunkers down, not built for Arctic weather. "Awk! Cobra!" he says with a shiver.


80s-Lady Jaye would shiver, from something other than the ice. "We can't let them take over the North Pole! With it under Cobra control, then there would be no stopping them from making an army big enough to take over the world! Imagine what sorts of horrible weapons they'll be able to get from there!" Going to get one of her javelins up, "Imagine if they go to take it as a big Slay Ride!" She's would nod over at Shipwreck, "Count me in!" Going to set the Javelin over on 'BAT Buster'.


80s-Cover Girl peers from the back of her own vehicle, frowning as she sees everything going on. "Well crap..."


80s-Roadblock is riding shotgun on another SnowCat, machine gun slung and ready to play. "What in the aich-ee double hockey sticks.. You call that a turkey? You interrupted supper for.. Oh yeah, now I'm irritated. Lets clear this up, maybe there'll be dessert left when we get back."


"What? GI JOE? HERE?" Cobra Commander steps forward, his tremendous stuffed belly listing to one side, "COBRA RETR--erhm..ATTACK!" Cobra Commander makes a zealous gesture with his candy striped cane, crackling with the power of the yuletide. "Let them come. With Destro in his Despoiler, and Baroness and her traps, I've just settled in..." Cobra Commander brandishes his sidearm, "TO GO BUST A CAP! Though GI JOE comes in like they were cattle, I'll open my storm shelters and show you the other half of the battle!"

On his command, hoards of Viper troops approach, guns blazing, rockets flying, ninjas armed with festive ribbons, hovering Rats with guns a blazing, Trouble Bubbles that look like ornaments!

"FORWARD MY VIPERS! On Astro, and Gyro, and bring in the B.A.T.s! On Hydros, On Ice Snakes, on Alley Cats! From the top of the world, to this Commander's frozen b.." He coughs suddenly, "Attack away, attack away, slay them all!"

The Commander gestures to Cliffjumper, Hound and Starlock, with a hiss, "TRANSFORMER! Nothing beats the transformer, they're robots! READY THE WRAPPING PAPER!" Mortar fire elects giant wide ribbons of tensile strength wrapping paper up into the air, maybe entangling the Cybertronians. Cobra Commander cackles, "All wrapped up with a little bow...PRESENTS......FOR ME! AHAHAAAAAAAHAAAA!" Cobra Commander reaches into his bag of goodies as he rushes forward, "Lets see what Santa Cobra has for you Joes......" He withdraws a flamethrower, spewing fire everywhere, "I LOVE THE SMELL OF JOES ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE! AHAHAAAAHAAA!"


80s-Baroness says, "Yew are tew late Joes! Vee hve already seized zee North Pole! Now Cobra welcomes you.. TO DIEEEE!" Then she goes to hold up a hand over and gestures, "Sonic BATS, prepare ZEE ZONGS!" A group of BATS, wearing RED and GREED and over on skiis, would start to rise up and salute. And then a one and a two..

~SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT~
~ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH~
~DECK THE HALLS WITH GASOLINE~

And finally coming out a group of BATS with large beards, bandoilers over their shoulders, and dual wielding gatling guns..

"SANNNNTTTA COBRA IS GUNNING YOU DOWN! WE'RE MAKING A LIST, AND CHECKING IT TWICE! COBRA KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN NICE! COBRA KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING! COBRA KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE! COBRA KNOWS EVEYRTHING YOU EVER DO SO SURRENDER TO COBRA FOR COBRA'S SAKE! SO SANTA COBRA IS GUNNING YOU DOWN"
RATTA RATTA RATTA. What horrid musical medley of murder!"


Elf-Vipers in Winter Operational Light Fighting Vehicles explode out of specially made igloos, heading to intercept the incoming interlopers. "Someone is on Santa's naughty list!" Elf-Viper 819 yells, opening fire with not-very-accurate red lasers. "SANNNTA!" he yells, full of enthusiasm if not skill as several more WOLFs burst out of similar igloos and race towards the unwanted visitors.


As soon as the intruders are spotted, Destro sighs. "G.I. Joe," he says with resignation. "Right on schedule. Meddling fools," he mutters. He guns his Despoiler, making the sleighbells jingle. Taking to the sky, Destro aims his airsled at the incoming Joes and opens fire, with somewhat more accurate red lasers than the WOLFs.


Buster shivers in his jeans coat. Pressing his face against the glass, he asks, "Is that... Cobra? The terrorists? What are they doing on the North Pole?" He glances at Spike. "I thought you guys just fought Decepticons. You handle terrorists, too? Christmas-themed terrorists?" Buster's mouth hangs open as if he can't quite grok what he's seeing. This is NOT how he imagined his Christmas in Autobot City. He flinches at incoming... wrapping paper?


80s-Cliffjumper is running forwards, weapon in hand, "We're ON to you! We're going to stop Christmas.. FOREVER! WE'RE TAKING IT DOWN!" Someone has gotten the wrong lesson. On the other hand, someone HAS worked retail.. Glass Gun up and over, then Cliffjump is swarmed over by WOLFS! Battered by BATS! Having his frame mauled by evil mecha-CATS! Then he's.. Pushed over a CLIFF! And he's knocked on down. The cliff.. Goes in for it's revenge.

The cliff shudders.. Shudders.. And FALLS! Collapsing atop Cliffjumer. There will be no more jumping over it. NOT THIS DAY!

NOT EVER!


80s-Spike huddles next to Buster against the glass, freezing himself. He looks at the chaos before him, eyes widen. He can make out the BATS, the HISS and looks on ... drawing the only conclusion he can. 80s-Spike shakes his head and frowns, saying softly "No...Megatron's behind this...I know it."


Starlock looks confused at the Cobra attackers. "What thee actual fuc--" Before she can finish her sentence, she yelps as she's blinded by wrapping paper! Thaats enough to make her come to a halt, and transform into her robot mode, and draw her dual blades, slashing away at the paper into ribbons, and she glares. "...That was so uncool of you." she says dryly to the cobra agents. "Who taught ya'll fashion design! look like something out of a bad--" wait there's a kid in the area, SHIT!


MORE HUMANS! This is great! Hound smiles at all the humans running around, then frowns a bit as he realizes some of these are Cobras. Oh, those are the BAD humans, aren't they? He looks to Buster, giving a firm nod. "We're here to protect the Earth and it's inhabitants from those who would do innocents harm, whatever their species." He steps in front of the humans that came with them protectively, trying to draw fire away from Spike and Buster if possible. And trying not to facepalm again at Cliffjumper, though he does ask, "...<< Are you alright? >>"

He also calls out to the Joes, "These guys don't look like they understand the meaning of Christmas! Autobots are here, do you need assistance?"


"This is heavy."

Gigawatt spots the insanity that is the BATTLEFIELD and it seems like he gears up pretty quickly. And he steps up to meet the SANTA FORCES of EVIL and... almost immediately stops in his tracks. In fact, his optics narrow as it looks like he's looking past the COBRA FORCES at something behind them. "Wait, wait..." Gigawatt lowers his weapons. "What the hell is that?!"

Gigawatt suddenly raises a hand to point behind the nearest COBRA forces to see if he can't distract them long enough with the oldest trick in the book... and then LIGHTNING WHIP them!


80s-Roadblock rides on that SnowCat like a pro, locking an dloading his machine gun. The big one. And as Cobra erupts from snow hills and peaks, igloos and the sky, he gives a shake of his head, "This ain't even right. First you ruin my supper, an' now you're tryin' to ruin Christmas? Not gonna happen." He heaves the gun around, standing, "One of -the- most important cookin' holidays of the year? Messin' with my fried turkey? My crawdad stew? My -biscuits?!" Opening fire on the Sonic bats, "Time to change the channel."


As the GI JOES would heroically go forwards, Lady Jaye looks over the terrain, "I have an idea!" Going to get out one of her Ice-Javelins, she would go to throw it at the ground where it would make a giant snowball! Then she would go to start running to kick it. It's not budging! She can't get it to start rolling! She's not able to exert enough force over on it!

"I need additional leverage to move it or it will be here till the Tundra thaws!" If.. Only she had something long and hard and meant for helping to LEVER things and move them when they were too heavy for direct pressure! Putting her back over into it, pressing hard. "We're going to send you back to the ICE AGE Cobra!" Dramatically going to keep shoving.. But it wasn't moving! SNOW NO!


Leaving Polly back in the Snow Cat with Frostbite, Shipwreck whips his boarding rope in the air before tossing it at a Christmas Detonator. He pulls it taught, then leaps from the Snow Cat onto the Detonator, punching out the Holiday-Viper driving it and dumping the festively dressed Cobra into the snow. With his red cap flopping in the breeze, Shipwreck commandeers the Detonator and brings it around to aim its giant ICBM at Santa's Workshop. "Ho ho ho," Shipwreck chuckles. "Now I have a ballistic missile."


80s-Cover Girl grumbles just a little bit as she goes forward and shakes her head. Seeing the Despoiler, well, she decides it needs to get it out of the air, and starts targetting it. "Lets see if I can ring that thing's bells and drop it from the air."


80s-Cobra Commander DOES sound an awful lot like Starscream to Spike at least. Flames spew out about him, melting some of the ice. He looks back accusatory to his Vipers, and points at Starlock. "That was SUPPOSED to be reinforced with nanocables!" One of the Vipers gives a weak shrug as he launches more into the air, eliciting a frustrated growl from Cobra Commander, "Not to worry. I've got plenty of coal in my sack!" The flamethrower spent, the Commander tosses the weapon aside, and draws out a RPG! He fumbles with the books, "What? What the h.." He coughs again, then draws out what he really wanted, a rocket-propelled grenade launcher. Laser fire streaks past him in both directions, "Aahhh!" Part of Cobra Commander's beard singes as Gigawatt's lightning whip just about takes his head off. He lands belly first in the snow, struggling to right himself like some sort of turtle. The frosting RPG goes off towards Gigawatt, potentially able to cover the Cybertronian with tons of aerosol tree frosting. Oh Cobra Commander, think of the Hydroflourocarbons!

He rights himself, unslinging his staff as Roadblock blows up a snowsled. "I'll have you know, MY turkey dinner puts yours to shame, Joe!" Cobra Commander clears the ground, the padding of his suit slides down, nearly causing him to trip as its left in his wake, "I'll shove this coal so far up your a.." he coughs again, "You'll be coughing up diamonds!" A DETONATOR explodes in the distance, as several off-duty Vipers just chill at the backup hot chocolate bar, and sip from their mugs wistfully.


And gesturing from her tank, The Baroness goes, "Now, my pretties.. KEEL ZHEM VEETH COBRAAA!" And the line of BATS goes to unload things heinous from the holidays! LEFTOVER PINE NEEDLES! BUBBLE WRAP! And perhaps worst of all..

Scattered and broken christmas lights and LEGO BLOCKS scattering around the landscape! Making it into a No Mech's Land for any that would try and walk.. Or drive.. Through!

The bullets are flying, the body count's rising, and oh Santa whyy.. He's such a cruel guy. The Autobots then have another barrage of among the most dangerous projectiles possible launched at them. SAFETY STANDARDS AND PRODUCT TESTING MANUALS!


>**BOOM!**< As Destro flies overhead like some large predatory bird, raining red lasers down on the Joes, he suddenly receives a short, sharp lesson in gravity and inertia. Cover Girl's missiles blast his Despoiler out of the sky, and suddenly Destro is on a whole world of pain as he tumbles face-first from his airskiff. Dragging himself up, he wipes snow off his gold helmet and whips his red cape back over his shoulder. Looking over, Destro realizes Cobra Commander continues going in spite of his near-beheading. CAN I DO LESS?


Shipwreck's commandeered DETONATOR turns and drives as he aims it, but suddenly the vehicle powers down as the Jolly Vipers run from him, "Batteries not included! Psych!"


Buster hops out and runs for cover, not waiting to get captured like Spike does all the time. Wishing he was wearing more than straight-leg jeans and Converse sneakers beneath his coat, Buster hugs himself against the cold and moves to hide behind a jagged upcropping. He looks towards where Cliffjumper encountered his nemesis. "Should we help him?" he asks with some uncharacteristic concern.


Slowly going to crawl out of his Cliff-Crevice, CLIFFJUMPER looks in the distance at the North Pole Workshop. Which in his mindscape is a citadel of darkness built on enforced elf labor. "No Santa. Not today." He's going to crawl along to drag out a huge looking laser rifle on a tripod, aiming it up in the air to line up his weapon at it (despite being at a lower elevation and him pointing the weapon downward). "We're going to bring you down to Earth, Santa! Never did want to live forever! No matter how many cliffs you throw at me, Cliffjumper is gonna get up and keep on rolling!" Slowly and painfully rolling his weapon up and over as Buster would be watching at him. "You'll REAP THE WHIRLWIND because you're SURPLUS TO REQUIREMENTS YOU EVIL ELF!" Firmly loading up a huge rocket to the launcher. "Now I'm gonna give you and your fortress the worst case of indigestion you've ever had! Ho Ho you $##! $##!" paraphrasing the name of a character known for obesity in the Austin Powers movies for the thin of heart.

Unfortunately, said rocket is STILL pointed backwards.. And aimed towards a priceless, pristine and never touched polar bear and penguin preserve!


80s-Spike 's eyes widen with concern as he sees his little brother hop out and run for cover - out in the open (or at least near a jagged upcropping). "BUSTER!" He runs, trudging through the punishing snow with his jeans as well as his Adidas sneakers. He frowns, chastizing his brother. "I don't have tools or anything! Just don't be a target!" - he's saying that like he's been told that...a lot of times.


Gigawatt catches all of that frosting and ends up stumbling backwards and away from the foes he was trying to take down. "So this situation just got sticky." Gigawatt backs off a bit further to see if he can't take a second to peel himself out of this gross sugary mess. And maybe cover some of the more human shaped heroes trying to fight for good! If he can be in the way of attacks upon them, so be it. He can take it!


Starlock frowns, not knowing how much these jokers know about the autobots, so she takes the opportunity to spring a surprise on them as she starts skating her way towards Gigawatt, leaving a trail of neon purple behind, she takes launches herself off a ice-ramp, and transforms into her shuttle mode! and lets loose a spray of phaser fire to help cover Gigawatt!


80s-Hound remains standing in front of the Spike and Buster, trying to shield them from harm. He looks around and... Hmmm, what can he do without actually harming humans, even Cobras? HMMM.

Suddenly, the forst itself seems to stir, slowly coming to life as ....are those trees alive and moving? With branches for arms, waving in the air as they slowly march towards the Cobras who are attacking. They even have Christmas lights, lookit that. Blinking with cheery color, the ent-mas trees scrabble and branch out at the nefarious villains, looking afright! Maybe this will distract them while Gigawatt does his thing.


Oh that's just not right! "My turkey brings ALL THE JOES TO THE YARD!" yells Roadblock, stepping off of the poor Snowcat that's just taken the brunt of a retaliatory strike. He hits the ground, tuck'n'roll and comes up a snow-covered mass of man. He reaches into a pocket of his parka, takes aim and lobs.. well it looks like a snowball but in fact its a rounded mound of pecan divinity! "Awww, I was saving that for the trip back!" Shaking his head, he checks his M-2 and fires off a burst of unfriendly lead (known to cause cancer in the state of california!) at those BATs once more! "Time for a new show tune!"


Still struggling over with the huge snow-boulder she had made, Lady Jaye would keep on shoving at it. "Come on! Come on! If we don't save the season, then it wil lbe like SNOW has frozen over!" Going to try and keep on pressing over at it. It's just SNOW fair! She's going to work over at it, going to then get out one of her long, hard..

GI JOE ARCTIC ACTION SKIIS (get from your GI JOE Arctic Action Expedition Playset On Sale Now!)! Moving to push it in. "Come on! Come on! Let's make sure everything is pretty.. ICE!"

If Lady Jaye's dramatic heroics manage to send the boulder buckling, turn to page 81! If not, go to page 97.


Shipwreck bails from his dead Detonator. "Have to get Tripwire to make sure these missiles are disarmed," he notes to himself, gathering up his boarding line and waiting for the next Cobra vehicle to pass. Spotting a Christmas WOLF skiing by, Shipwreck ropes it and jumps aboard. The vehicle's canopy prevents him from punching out the Elf-Viper driving it, so Shipwreck decides to go after bigger fish. Quickly disabling the explosive on one of the WOLF's ski torpedoes, Shipwreck hops aboard, physically aims it, and fires it - riding it straight for the Baroness! "Ahoy!" he yells, announcing his imminent arrival and trying to distract her from the others.


80s-Cobra Commander shrieks, "Buzz Boars, stay out of.." Bloop. Three BUZZ BOARs break through the crust and into the water below. 'nevermind." Moments later, their pilots emerge at the edge of the ice. "Where are my NOG VIPERS?" Cobra Commander shrieks again, and coughs, "I really could use a lozenge." Two of the lightly-creme colored Vipers run past him away from the combat as the trees decend upon them all, "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned Christmas WAR!" More troopers start to flee the battlefiend, "No, no. We're WINNING! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the shoot, shoot, shootiest Christmas since Bing Crosby gunned down Danny Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of Vipers this side of the nuthouse." He gestures to the front lines, "NOW SHOOT!" Almost immediately afterwards gets a mask full of Roadblock's pecan dessert! It smears off of his face thanks to all the rustproofing, but it catches in that beard, adding to the hot chocolate, soot, dirt, blood that adorns his stained costume "Desssstro! Baronesssssssssss...w..whait..." He struggles with his helmet, "mah tong...is frozen to mah massss.......ack I...Bleah!" He pants, "Sstall them, The Christmas Dominator must be spread across the world!"

Cobra Commander beats feet up behind the cottage near Shipwreck, then throws a tarp off of his hidden weapon, a rocket powered sleigh! The battered Commander leaps into it, grabs the reigns and pauses....he looks down at the controls.


...

...

"ITS A ***STICK***!"

"WHY DID YOU BUFFOONS DESIGN IT WITH A STICKSHIFT?" Despite himself, he gets the sleigh powered up, it lurches forward with the Christmas Dominator (looking like an aluminum Christmas tree in the back) up into the air, " SO LONG...SSSSSUCKERS!"


And then Shipwreck is going to pop up under the missile-toe! The Baroness would gasp, "Destro! Make theese slow UNHAND me!" She would affirm, suddenly showing weakness now hat someone was in close proximity over to her and just going to slap over at him wildly! Even as her troops would still go on the offensive!

A series of automated tanks would go forwards, having BATS wearing festive gear and adorable little spiked army helmets. The Joes and Autobos are now being faced with among the most dangerous things of the holidays.

FRUITCAKE CANNONS AND STALE GINGERBEARD SHRAPNEL. The cannons would aim.. Twist.. And then fire!

Merry Christmas you Filthy Animals!


80s-Cover Girl swears as another vehicle pops up. looking at the tanks and BATs and frowning. She shakexs her head, and assists the joes and bots,by launching serveral missiles down at the BAT mess.


80s-Destro starts to pick hismelf off the ground, only to find himself staring at... a massive incoming snowball? "Cousin?" he asks plaintively, before being struck by the ever-growing snowball. He winds up careening down a hill, his limbs sticking out in all directions as the snowball gets larger and larger...


Cliffjumper sees the chaos and carnage over that had been inflicted upon the pristine and picture perfect animal sanctuary. "Meh. Global warming would've done it anyways." Going to ris eup again, Cliffjumper would come to a realization. He.. Couldn't see high enough to shoot it. "CRABAPPLES!" So Cliffjumper was then going to call out, "Starlock! Come on, we gotta destroy the North Pole so Christmas can be ruined forever! It's done too much to be allowed to go on any longer!" Revving his engine, the huge, ridiculously oversized gun now on his 'hood' as he would transform. Once again attempting to aim a giant rocket with a skull painted on various sides of it and radioactive/biohazard symbols at Santa's Workshop.


80s-Spike continues to huddle in for safety. Now, his fingers are turning numb. Still, through the chaos, he swore he heard something he couldn't believe.


Starlock rolls her optics at Cliffjumper as she does a barrel roll in the air, as the tiny spacer blitz's her way to Cliffjumper, well, least she could say she weaponized stupid! "We're going to have a /long/ talk after this cliff! Also, that's not the real Santa!" Starlock shouts, before transforming back into her Robot mode about mid-way into her dive.


80s-Spike says, "You can't drive a stick? Are you serious?! What kinda supervillain are you?!""


Buster is both relieved and concerned as Cliffjumper reveals he's OK and launches a vendetta against Christmas. I mean, Buster isn't that much of a Christmas guy... but destroying the North Pole DOES seem like an extreme way to handle things. Wishing he hadn't left his fingerless gloves at home, he stuffs his freezing hands in jean coat pockets and glances at his brother, agog. "Did you just taunt the most dangerous man in the world?"


Gigawatt has returned to action, still frosting'd but less so. As he pops back up in the middle of this battle, his Mr. Fusion Arm Cannon has been armed and it looks like he's taking quick potshots at the other side from a bit of a distance. What's coming out of cannon with the speed of ballistic viciousness?

Stale Christmas Cookies.

Time to fight fire with fire? Or uh... Christmas with Christmas?


80s-Spike shrugs innocently enough to Buster, not thinking taunting a psychotic and powerful terrorist is that big of a deal.


80s-Hound's hologram Christmas trees seem to drive off a few Vipers, at least. Hound continues trying to shield the humans and now- he's being bombarded by... fruitcakes? The scout blinks, plucking a now somewhat-squashed fruitcake from his grill. "Uh... thanks?"


Shipwreck smirks at the Baroness and says, "Avast, ye Cobra! Normally, I'd never hit a lady - but you're no lady!" With that, Shipwreck winds up one of his large, tattooed Popeye arms and lashes out a huge haymaker, attempting to punch the Baroness right out of her ChHISSmas tank. He'll deal with Destro later - apparently, Destro's busy doing an impression of Frosty the Snowman anyway.


TURN TO PAGE 81! Lady Jaye manages to send the giant snow boulder rolling down! Where it would roll, roll, roll down! Right over towards the front yard where the Reindeers played their games! It would pick up snow, snow, and go! And also random BATS, Tanks, and other Cobra-Conym based weapons as it would go towards a long, long roll!

Lady Jaye would punch her fist up into the air, "YOOO JOEEE!"

To see how the battle continues, Turn to Page 17!


80s-Roadblock reaches into another pocket, snags himself a snickerdoodle and takes a moment to munch while reloading, "Oh hey, fruitcake!" Any southern boy who's ever lived knows about fruitcake. Claxton Georgia. These things are given down from generation to generation. (probably the same cake just kept as a doorstop during the rest of the year and dusted off). He bends, scoops a few up and starts to throw the nominally baked goods in return. "This ones for you! And you! And you've been especially naughty! Ho ho Ha!"


B.A.T.s explode, troopers go down, the hot chocolate bar didn't get refilled! The cookies have gone stale, but a few Vipers eat it, in one form or another. Its PANDEMONIUM! Christmas shrapnel trees pop up from the artic cold and spin at high speeds, throwing ornaments at Joe and Viper alike! A few bounce off of Cliffjumper and Starlock, but I mean, its glass and aluminum. Come on!

Cobra Commander whips about the turbine sleigh as he rockets up into the sky, "PATHETIC FOOLS! YOU'RE TOO LATE!" Cobra Commander's cackling lasts into the night sky.


SUDDENLY


Cobra Commander sighs wistfully, "Finally, its all coming together."

There's the sound of sleigh bells, and then the whinny of an animal. Cobra Commander turns his head, wearing that ratted beard, the stained suit, and a look of shock crosses his masked face.

"WHAT? IT-IT CAN'T BE!"

His sleigh butts up against something, and then again. Cobra Commander loses his balance, and falls backwards out of the sleigh!

"WHAAAAA WITH MY LAST BREATH, I CURSE MINDBENDER!" He plummets down down DOWN...right into the massive snowball Lady Jaye made, right next to Destro.

"It...it couldn't have been..." Cobra Commander laments.

And then faintly on the wind, a boisterous tone could be heard...


"HO HO HO...YOOOOOOO JOE!"


And Shipwreck is laying it down hard over into the Baroness! She would hold up her hand to stop him, "Aiieeee! Stop!" She would go to reach a hand up and over behind her face. Going to pull down a rubber mask to reveal the face of.. LADY JAYE!? Even as she would hit the ground. "Quick, we have to stop them! This is only a prelude to Cobra's Master Plan!" Going to yank at his hand!

Meanwhile, Shipwreck is no doubt shocked over as Lady Jaye goes to look at him aghast, "Oh, come now.." Then she would go to take out a large Cobra-Taser, going to blast him, "There are plenty of feesh in the sea. NOw you weel sweem with zee fishies! Prepare heem for zee concrete booties!" Going to peel off her mask once more! Pulling off the latex face of Lady Jaye to reveal the face of THE BARONESS, COBRA'S SINISTER DISGUISE EXPERT! Who had.. Disguised herself as Lady Jaye disguised as the Baroness!


A lump of coal lands on Cobra Commander's head moments later. "Oof! Oww!"


Destro pulls himself out of the snow, and looks up to see... could it be? No, it couldn't.... As the snow wisps away any clear sighting or lasting proof, Destro climbs to his feet and tries to recover his cape and his dignity. "Commander," he says resignedly. "Would you care to do the honours?" He prepares for faux-Santa to sound the retreat because once again, they've been beaten... this time, by the real thing?


80s-Cobra Commander sighs, coal now added to his list of stains and issues, "...cobra retreat."


And then there he is. THe real deal. The fat man. The bearded one. "I'M TAKING YOU DOWN!" And then Cliffjumper goes to, even while Starlock is riding him, vroom in the direction over of Santa. "IT's time to face the music for all you've done, Santa Claus! You're coming with me!" And then that huge sniper rifle is going up to aim over at the sleigh.. And it would go to unleash a fury normally reserved for..

... Okay this si Cliffjumper, the fury is kind of the normal go-to. But can he shoot down that sleigh-ride jingling tingling?


Buster looks at Spike in amazement, both at his blind, dumb courage, and at... was that... Santa? "I don't believe it," he says, mouth open and breathing steam. "I just don't believe it. So, it wasn't Santa that was evil after all," he says, glancing at Gigawatt. "Santa just saved the day!" Stuffing his hands deeper into his pockets and shivering, Buster just shakes his head. What a night.


Gigawatt lowers his Mr. Fusion arm cannon and just stares off at the retreating COBRA-MAS Miscreants. It takes him a moment or two to look up at the SOUND OF SLEIGH BELLS AND HO-HO-HOness that's coming and ends up looking quite awestruck.

"... Great Scott." Nothing else can be said because wow. Just: WOW. If he saw what he thinks he heard or heard what he thinks he saw or neither of both possibilities... then yeah, WOW.


80s-Spike looks pretty bewildered as well. He looks at Buster, as his ears are now nearly frostbitten red as he feverishly tries breathing into his fingers to get some sort of feeling. "I...well..." He frowns at his brother. "It wasn't Santa! I mean...there has to be an explanation!" but...in terms of an explanation, he can't think of any, so Buster may be right.


Meanwhile, as Gigawatt whispers his tone of amazement, to him and him alone he can hear.. "Ah'am a givin' her all she's got Cap'n!"


80s-Hound finds himself grinning, actually, even as he stands there with a slightly smushed fruitcake in hand. "You humans have the most *wonderful* customs..." The holo-Christmas trees go from threatening to happily dancing together there in the background, because... Because. Because this is totally the 80s and it's totally fresh, man. Radical and gnarly, dude! BODACIOUS!


Starlock looks at Cliff as he fires wildly and just.. she sighs and decide to just kick her fellow mini-bot over, just to feel a bit better.


Huffing and puffing, Lady Jaye would watch Santa going off and let out a cheer. "We saved Christmas from Cobra!" Holding up her Javelin in the air. "I saved this one for just an occasion!" She would launch it up into the air as it would explode in a series of fireworks and a HAPPY HOLIDAYS Transformers Universe!


80s-Roadblock watches as one, two, three fruitcakes sail over and play 10-pin with a few bats. "Not EVEN from Claxton?! You shop at K-smart! An' yo Momma gets her biscuits from a freezer bag!" A shake of his head, watching as Cobra retreats. "man, I hope they didn't start the turducken without me. those things are -delicate-..."


80s-Spike runs toward Lady Jaye and Roadblock. One of two teenagers who are not dressed for the elements, and are certainly not dressed for combat. He shakes his head in awe. "THAT...was outtasite! Thank you so much!"

Riley Hospital for Children - 2020

Shipwreck

"... and that is how one year, Santa really did save Christmas," Shipwreck finishes, addressing a large group of sick kids at a hospital on Christmas Eve. "And I have to tell you - a merry time was had by all." Shipwreck smiles, stroking his salt-and-pepper beard, looking a little proud of himself. There is a long awkward silence, and then one kid gets to his feet. "Yes, uh, Timmy?" Shipwreck asks, bending down slightly to listen to the child's response.

"That's BULLSHIT," Timmy yells, kicking Shipwreck hard in the shin. "Stop tellin' lies!"

As Shipwreck starts cursing like the sailor he is, a second child starts to cry.

A third child just stares at Shipwreck, muttering, "I have so many questions..."


For Shipwreck, though, the story is over... for now.

>>**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**<<
Advertisement