A Hellish Education



Log Title: A Hellish Education Characters:Buster Witwicky, Sparkplug Witwicky, Susan Witwicky, Jeremiah Witwicky, Ron Witwicky, Judy Witwicky, Spike Witwicky, Margaret Witwicky Location:Cleveland Date:1980 Summary:A standard Labor Day family dinner turns sour when Sparkplug's father lays down some old school Biblical fire and brimstone to the young Witwicky brothers.

2012
Sparkplug's Place 

An old house still standing from before the Korean War. It looks a little dilapitated, although the attached garage seems well-stocked in terms of tools and repair supplies.

Contents:

Buster

Spike

Buster sits in the near-empty living room, his sweat mingling with the smell of mildew permeating the house.

Spike looks at his ever-deteriorating Oregon Ducks shirt. Dirtied by dust, cobwebs and grime. He takes a sip of beer (his 2nd of the day) and checks off EACH of the things Sparkplug wanted for his rehab place (which has provided him with some pretty awesome stuff).

Buster reaches back to rub his neck. "We should have hit Starbucks before it closed."

Spike nods and sits down. He looks around and lets out a heavy sigh. He tries to hold it together, but he's strangely had a hard time doing it today. "He has some Foldgers we can brew." He looks over at his brother. "This is...really happening, huh?"

Spike says, "I mean... he'll have a place to live. But... wow... this is like - we're cleaning out dad's HOME.""

Buster sighs. "We've had to move around a lot, growing up," he rationalizes. "This is just another move, until things get settled."

Spike nods and gives Buster a polite smile. "Yeah...I guess." He then sees 2 boxes labeled 'FAMILY' - nearly its entire contents are filled with their grandmother's stuff. Only his grandfather 's eye glasses and saber are present. He gestures Buster over. "Wow...check this out."

Spike opens the contents and looks at Buster. "He has like... a ton of stuff from grandma, but practically zilch from his dad."

Spike 's memory of his grandfather is EXTREMELY sparse. Primarily because Susan made it a priority to shield her sons from his influence after a particular Labor Day encounter.

Spike starts thinking they may have to crash here. It's 11:30 p.m. and the two have at least a few more hours of work to do before the relator comes in tomorrow and puts a very permanent 'FOR SALE' sign outside.

Buster goes over to look.

Spike, being the sentimental softie he's turning into tonight, also opens up 'Spike and Buster's toys' - revealing a pile of VERY played Star Wars action figures.

Buster says, "I've been meaning to ask dad questions to try to nail down some geneological data while we have the chance."

Spike sniffs and pops another Sudafed. "Good god, the mold's fucking brutal in here."

Buster grins at the revealed treasure cache of toys.

Spike nods absently at Buster's almost clinical assessment.

Buster says, "Yeah. My eyes have been burning all day. I'd take more allergy medicine, but I think I'd pass right out and I'd wake up covered in a layer of black mold."

Buster takes out some of the figures from the toy box. "Do you know Jesse hates Star Wars? Can you even imagine? But the weirdest thing -- she loves Spaceball."

And almost like a weird flashback wavy thing, things get transposed to...

1980
THIS time, the Witwickys are hosting a family dinner. Ron, Judy , grandpa, and grandma are coming over. Spike and Sparkplug are outside, roughhousing for football. Leaving Susan in the kitchen with a 5-year old Buster. Martha Stewart, she isn't. But she's making it a goal to fix Buster's favorite type of cookie for not crying when he went into kindergarten. But Buster's perched up on the counter, helping her with the bowl.

Susan Witwicky smiles at her favorite helper. "You excited for Aunt Judy and Uncle Ron to come over?"

Buster grins broadly, stuffing cookie dough in his mouth with his fingers. 'Helping,' indeed. "Yeah! Unca Ron is cool! And Aunt Judy is nice!"

 Susan Witwicky says, "Buster's favorite cookie would be..."

 Susan Witwicky says, "Also trying to find an album from 1980 to put on to put in the mood."

 Buster Grins

 Buster says, "And, off-hand, how about oatmeal raisin? Maybe we can steal more from me and give him a milad allergy to chocolate. (The hates-Star Wars/Loves Spaceballs quirk is from Snoop)"

Susan Witwicky looks briefly outside as she heard a hard *fwap*! and she briefly sees Sparkplug almost clothesline Spike, lift him up in the air and plant him on the ground. She can hear Spike cry out in pain, followed by a boisterous laugh. Susan shakes her head and draws the blinds. "I'm not even going to watch!"

Susan Witwicky drops a small portion of raisins in the bowl and then studies Buster's face. "Is that enough...or should we add...some more?"

Buster twists his head around to try to look. "Wha happened?"

Buster looks back at his mom and beams. "More! More! More!" he giggles.

Susan Witwicky shakes her head and says "It's...they're..." She rolls her eyes. "They're playing. If I hear crying, I'll go out and check."

Susan Witwicky shakes some raisins in. But just a little. She grins at her son. "More?"

Buster opens his eyes and mouth wide like an O

Buster says, "More!"

Buster squeals in delight, clapping dough and flour all over the counter.

Susan Witwicky grins. She says "See... this is because you were SO brave this week! Remember... you were sort of scared about going to kindergarten?"

Buster says, "I wasn't scared! I love school!"

 Buster says, "So he says NOW..."

Susan Witwicky carefully sets the bowl down on the table Buster sits on. She tilts her head. "Not even a TAD bit scared?!"

Buster says, "No way! I love the Letter People! Miss Aaaaa... Aaaa-choo!"

Never mind that he didn't 'meet' the Letter People until he STARTED school... that's now been projected back to before he went. ;)

Susan Witwicky sets the bowl and gives a serious look at Buster. "Now... this is almost ready. But I'm going to work on the burgers. You're going to have to mix this up. And in order to do that, you have to really SMUSH it with your hands."

Buster's excitement builds

Buster says, "I can do it! I can do it!"

Susan Witwicky steps back and lets Buster do his thing, which is how she's been parenting him since she can remember.

Sparkplug's cartoonish roar can be heard outside and another *biff!* can be heard. Followed by about ten seconds of incessant giggling. Susan just shakes her head and smirks.

Buster joyfully mashes up and smooshes the dough, far more comfortable, as always, with his mother than any other family member or peer.

Susan Witwicky leans over and takes a finger and samples the mix. "Hmm..." She scoops another finger and offers it to Buster. "I think it needs more cinnamon."

Buster stop periodically to put some of the dough in his mouth before continuing to mash the rest in the bowl. Occasionally he wipes his nose, leaving a layer of flour on it, before beginning again. He does pause to let his mother add more cinnamon.

Susan Witwicky isn't phased at the possibility of snot or boogers in the mix. What's important is that her son's contributing and breaking out of his shell.

"Perfect...now mush it some more.""

Buster says, "OK Mommy!"

Buster mush mush mushes! Life is grand! Cookies and time with Mommy! Yaaay!

Susan Witwicky sits down and starts rolling a ball of cookie. "OK...now just take a SMALL portion and roll it into a ball like this..." She then gestures to the cookie sheet. "Then...gently...press it until it becomes a circle."

GAME: Buster PASSES an INTELLIGENCE roll of Average difficulty.

Susan Witwicky looks on at her son curiously. "So... how do you like your speech therapist at school?"

Buster is remarkably bright for a five-year-old, and listens carefully and follows instructions to the letter.

Buster perks up again, distracted from his task by the question. "She's nice! She's helping me with my S's."

Sure enough, Buster's lisp is MUCH less prevalent, even after just a week. Of course, most people can't tell since he doesn't actually talk to most people...

Susan Witwicky nods. Buster's so bright that Susan practically skips all form of baby talk and talks to her son like she would talk to her friends. "My problem was 'r's when I was little. I kept saying 'wail-road' instead of 'rail-road'."

Susan Witwicky gives her son a shy smile. "But I learned."

Buster grins. "I learn like Mommy!" he squeals happily - near ear-splittingly.

Susan Witwicky continues to roll cookie balls and press them on the cookie sheet. She laughs at that remark. However, she turns a tad serious. "Any... uh... friends at school you'd like to bring over?" She adds "Because you know you can! Just ask me or dad ahead of time."

Buster says, "No, but I like the teacher a lot!"

Buster frowns. "She says I have to go outside at recess, though."

Buster doesn't seem happy about that.

Susan Witwicky tries to smile with that, but she can't help but being concerned. She then brushes a few strands of Buster's unkempt hair from his eyes. "Oh?"

 Susan Witwicky says, "don't tell dad that!"

 Buster says, "She told me the real world doesn't matter and that I can spend my life exploring the vista of my mind!"

"Is it... someone who's teasing you? Why you don't like recess?" Susan asks.

 Susan Witwicky can see Sparkplug. "OK, what's her name? Susan - what the hell's the principal's name?"

Buster says, "I want to stay inside with the nice lady! I don't like the other kids. There's no one to push me on the swing. I just want to stay inside and read."

Susan Witwicky smiles slightly at that. A kid after her own heart.

"Well... there's a lot of stuff to explore outside though. A lot of those people who write those great books... they got their ideas from going outside."

Buster says, "They have cool books there! Curious George, and the one with the kid with the bike, and the one with the bears..."

Buster frowns. "I don't like outside. Outside is stupid. I only like going to the park with Mommy."

Buster crosses his little arms, getting more dough and flower all over his good 'company's coming over' shirt.

Susan Witwicky nods slowly. She doesn't want to offend Buster. "You...won't even give it a try for me? Maybe think about ONE adventure you want to do outside - maybe with a friend, and then report back to me? Sort of like our little project?"

Susan Witwicky isn't phased by the shirt. They have more. What genuinely concerns her is her son's lack of wanting to play with kids his own age. Although that's EXACTLY what her parents tried to fix when she was Buster's age.

Susan Witwicky finishes up the last batch and gently takes the tray and puts it in the oven.

Buster shrugs. "If you want. The neighbor girl Mona Lee is in my class... she's OK."

Susan Witwicky grins. She'd rather have him hang out with a boy, but let's start with a kid her age. "OK!"

Buster says, "I went over to give her back her ball and saw her in the bathtub."

Buster looks down and starts pulling dough off his shirt and eating it.

Susan Witwicky 's eyes widen the size of saucers. "What?!"

Buster nods. "Yeah... she was standing in the bathroom without any of her clothes. I gave her her ball and left."

Susan Witwicky stammers "Uh...That was an accident, right?"

Buster eats another dough ball.

Buster looks up at his mom. "No, mom. I gave her her ball on purpose. It was her ball."

Susan Witwicky nods slowly, almost mortified. Now, how to handle this - without shaming the ever-sensitive Buster.

"You...didn't do anything wrong. But next time, if that happens, turn away. A lot of people don't like to be looked at when they're naked."

Susan Witwicky is almost 3 shades of white.

Buster says, "She seemed OK with it."

Buster says, "I didn't stay, though. I needed to get home."

Buster doesn't seem too concerned about it, either.

Susan Witwicky nods slowly. "That's good. But... kids your age shouldn't be looking at one another when they're naked. That only happens when you're much, much, much older!"

Susan Witwicky pats Buster's shoulder. "You didn't do anything wrong though!"

"But just...from now on. Remember, looking at people when they're naked is a no-no."

Buster says, "Um... OK."

At that moment, a grass-stained Spike comes in with his dad, with a few layers of mud on his face. Susan laughs and shakes her head. "OK - Joe Namath - hit the showers! Grandpa and grandma are NOT seeing you like that!"

Susan Witwicky kneels down and looks at Buster. "As for you. Get that nice yellow shirt, and scrub your hands and face."

GAME: Susan Witwicky FAILS an INTELLIGENCE roll of Very High difficulty.

Susan Witwicky 's face is not hiding very well that Buster just freaked her shit out.

Susan Witwicky thinks very carefully. Tell Sparkplug. Or try to do damage control herself? Fortunately for her, Jeremiah will pretty much shove this decision to the background in a few.

Buster says, "OK. Help me down!"

Susan Witwicky distractedly goes to make the burger pattys for Sparkplug to grill, but not before going in the fridge and getting a beer.

Buster holds out his arms wide, completely unaware he freaked out his mom. =D

"Oh...yeah!" Susan extends her arms out and makes the sound of a power lift slowly lowering her son down. "Pssssssshhhhhhhhhhh!""

Buster screams joyfully as he's lowered to the ground.

Judy and Ron are driving their Ford to the Witwickys. At a stoplight, Ron rolls a one-hitter and gives it to Judy. JUST enough to get a good, mellow buzz, and with only one puff and the windows down, evidence totally eliminated.

GAME: Susan Witwicky FAILS an INTELLIGENCE roll of Very High difficulty.

Buster runs upstairs to wash up and change clothes.

Susan Witwicky puts together a grin and looks at Sparkplug. "Heyah...you..." She pats Sparkplug and then gestures to the burgers. "Your duty awaits."

Spike frowns as Buster zooms past him without giving him notice. "HEYAH, NO FAIR!"

The damage Sparkplug laid upon Spike required a full shower. Now finished, Spike dutifully buttons his blue buttoned-up short sleeve shirt and tries to flatten his hair, but it continues to...spike.

Sparkplug grabs a beer and his grillin' belt and kisses his wife before heading outside to start the burgers. He's still in a pretty good mood considering who's coming to dinner.

Buster has cleaned up about as well as a five-year-old can.

The jovial atmosphere is defaulted as the sound of the Lincoln town car. Jeremiah's wife has tried to make a few small bits of small talk, but dutifully being quiet as Jeremiah focuses on the road.

Ron is at the grill with Sparkplug and he rolls his eyes. "Well... here comes the buzz killer."

Buster sees his brother cleaned up and runs over to give him a BIIIIG hug.

Spike giggles and looks over at his brother. "Stop it, yah goof!"

Susan Witwicky grins and points to Buster. "You'll be Thing 1, and I'll be Thing 2 at dinner!"

Buster hears a car downstairs. His blue eyes widen. "GRANPA!" he yells, and tears down the stairs.

Spike 's eyes widen. "Grandpa!"

Susan Witwicky maneuvers the bowl of salad past the two blurs of energy. "Woah! Careful you two!"

Buster races Spike to the door!

Margaret can be heard calling out. "Where are my favorite grankids?!"

Buster says, "GRANMA!"

Buster jumps up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down in excitement.

Jeremiah's serious expression doesn't change, despite Buster's pinball exhuhberance. He merely pats Buster's head twice and Spike's twice and heads in.

Buster says, "Hi, granpa! What'd you bring us?"

Buster bouncebouncebounces!

Jeremiah hands his hat to Buster. "Hang my hat up."

Buster grabs the hat. "Yessir!" he yells, and runs to try to comply, even with height being a serious issue against success.

Margaret smiles politely and she waits for Jeremiah to get settled before going over to Buster and whispering "I'm sure grandma will get you something after dinner. But it's our secret."

Buster beams up at his grandmother, standing tiptoes to try to give her a kiss.

About 30 minutes later, The adults are at the adult table. Spike and Buster are eating a burger, cole slow, and some chips. And a treat for both of them, coke.

Spike looks to see the adults are engaging in boring adult stuff and looks around. He then looks at Buster at the kid table and gives a mischievous smile and takes a big bite of a burger. Which he happily chomps on by not eating with his mouth closed to hopefully get his sometimes very serious brother to laugh.

Buster sits at his TV tray, condiments all over his face and shirt.

Buster giggles, trying to stuff half his burger in his face in imitation of his brother.

At the adult table. Things are WAY too boring for Ron. So he grins. "So..." to break up the conversation. "I've been reading a LOT of this guy Allen Ginsberg. He's a poet!" He nods to Susan. "You've heard of him, right?!"

Susan Witwicky nods slowly, wondering where this conversation is going. "Yeah...Oh yeah...he's.."

Jeremiah shoots a hard, cold look at Ron.

Buster stuffs WAY too much burger into his mouth, and starts to choke, sputtering bits of beef and bun all over the kids table.

Spike tries not to laugh, but his eyes tear up as he tries to finish his burger.

Ron leans back and says wistfully. "Yes...He's so brilliant. I just wish someone as brilliant as him will find the right husband sometime."

Susan Witwicky nods and slowly moves her hand down to Sparkplug's hand and SQUEEZES it - hard.

Sparkplug glances at his wife, wondering what the issue is. He has no idea who this Adam Greensburg is, and frankly, if Ron is all excited about him, he probably doesn't care.

For all the horseplay, Spike stops and his ears perk up as only a kid could. He shakes his head, calling out from the kids table. "No, you mean wife, Uncle Ron! Boys marry wives!"

GAME: Buster PASSES an ENDURANCE roll of Average difficulty.

Ron smiles kindly at Spike and Buster. "No...not all the time!"

Buster haaacks and spits half his burger over the table, spilling his Coke in the process.

Jeremiah's eyes redden with rage. He points a finger at Ron. "You will not speak of that sin at this table, you got me, boy?"

Sparkplug finally catches what's going on, and shoots his brother a look that says, 'Really?'

Sparkplug nods in agreement with his dad. "Yeah, Ron, please?"

Some Coke spurts from Spike's nose as his eyes redden and tear up at the sight of Buster spazzing out.

Susan Witwicky gives Ron a pleading look and she mouths 'please?!' And Ron finally rolls his eyes and says "OK...just trying to make things interesting'."

Buster inhales deeply, and starts coughing again, spraying more burger fragments over his plate and the table

Susan Witwicky 's eyes widen. "Oh shit!" She goes over to Buster, almost flying over. "Honey! Honey!"

 Buster is in the position my sisters is in when I bring up dating a married woman in front of my mom. LOL

Buster coughs and sputters, tears running from his eyes.

Sparkplug turns in his seat, looking down at Buster.

Susan Witwicky quickly sits down and soothes Buster's hair. "Shhh...shhh...shhh...It's OK! It's OK!"

Jeremiah's lips curl in anger as he sees a weak boy being coddled by a horribly deviant mother.

Buster coughs and cries, but quickly calms down in response to his mother.

Sparkplug merely asks from the table, "He gonna be OK?"

Susan Witwicky looks on at Buster, worriedly. "You OK?"

Susan Witwicky looks up at Sparkplug and nods. "Yeah...just went down the wrong pipe."

Spike looks on with the same concern as his father.

Buster nods quietly, tears still streaming down his face and ketchup and spittle dribbling down his chin.

That's about as eventful as dinner goes. Until about 30 minutes later. The adults are cleaning up. Spike and Buster are in the living room. A footrest doubles as a fort. Spike's trying to teach Buster how to play Star Wars. But Buster mistakenly puts Bobba Fett in the same team as Han Solo and Chewbacca. Spike shakes his head, but doesn't mock Buster. "No..no - see, Bobba Fett's a bad guy. I know he looks cool, but he's actually a bad guy." He takes Bobba Fett and places it near the Stormtroopers and Darth Vader. "He goes there ... "

Buster takes a Stormtrooper and places it with Han Solo.

Jeremiah sits glumly in Sparkplug's Archie Bunker chair. He hasn't offered to lift a finger to help clean up. That's the woman's job. Which he's pissed at Sparkplug and Ron for helping with the clean-up.

Jeremiah's eyes narrow on the two younger Witwickys. Totally away from the adults.

Jeremiah slowly gets up and approaches the two. But Spike and Buster currently don't notice, the two are too enamored in Star Wars.

Buster says, "This one's a good guy."

Buster tries to stand the Stormtrooper next to Han Solo.

Spike 's eyes widen as he looks at Buster. "Oh no!" He gets Darth Vader, knowing Buster likes to play with the good guys. "Darth Vader is going to make those rocks fall on Han So..." He shakes his head. "No...the Stormtrooper's bad too."

Buster says, "No, he's white. The good guys are white. The bad guys are black."

Buster says, "He's with Ham Solo and his dog."

Spike shakes his head. "No...not this time..see.." But Jeremiah cuts Spike off as he looks down at the Witiwcky children.

 Spike lols

 Buster says, "5yo Buster is fun. =D"

Jeremiah grins at Buster and Spike. But it doesn't seem like a friendly grin. "Shouldn't you two be reading the Bible?"

 Buster says, "Pre-trauma Buster. LOL"

 Spike says, "Oh... just give me a few poses :)"

 Buster LOL

Jeremiah sits down, lording over the two. "What's your favorite book in the Bible?"

Buster blinks up at Jeremiah. "Uh... the one with Curious George?"

Jeremiah's eyes narrow on Buster.

GAME: Buster PASSES an INTELLIGENCE roll of Average difficulty.

Spike shakes his head. "No...that's a different book." He thinks really hard, then comes up with something. "Oh! The Christmas book!"

Buster releases from his grandfather's expression that his answer wasn't correct.

Buster says, "Oh! Yeah! With Santa Claws!"

 Spike says, "he he :)"

Buster beams! That's right!

Spike grins. "Yeah...An' baby Jesus! When he gets all the gifts!"

Buster knows books! He's smart!

Buster says, "Oh, yeah! An' baby Jesus! An' Mary! An' th' Manger! An' the elves, at the North Pole!"

Jeremiah frowns at the two. He adds "You...two DO go Sunday School, right?"

<OOC> Spike says, "Well... he's 70 percent there!"

Buster nods his head quickly.

<OOC> Buster says, "It's all mixed up in Buster's head in one big dazzling Christmas pageant"

Buster says, "My Sunder School teacher is nice. She has letter people."

Spike thinks. But being a product of worshipping truth-telling super heroes, Spike quickly says "Well... except when mom's really tired."

Buster nods seriously.

Jeremiah's eyes narrow. "Oh?" Challenging Spike.

Buster says, "Mom gets tired a lot. She says we're a handful."

Buster grins. 'Handful' must be something great, since Mom loves them and calls them that all the time.

Spike nods and then starts giggling. "Yeah... or when football starts." He giggles again. "Dad says God unnerstands when football games are on!"

Jeremiah is not smiling at all.

<OOC> Spike says, "Envisioning Susan/Sparkplug are the Easter/Christmas and then a half dozen other times a year type of Christians :)"

Buster doesn't quite get why Spike is smiling and grandpa isn't. Buster gets quiet and wide-eyed.

<OOC> Buster nodnods. =)

Jeremiah looks over his shoulder. Still no Sparkplug and Susan. "Do you know what hell is?"

GAME: Spike FAILS an INTELLIGENCE roll of High difficulty.

<OOC> Jere yells, 'God wants full custody, not weekend visitation!'

<OOC> Spike lols

GAME: Buster FAILS an INTELLIGENCE roll of Average difficulty.

<OOC> Spike says, "All right, one of us HAS to know what hell is for this to work :)"

GAME: Spike PASSES an INTELLIGENCE roll of High difficulty.

Buster shakes his head quietly, sensitive-kid warning bells going off in his head.

Spike turns serious. "That's where bad people go when they die."

<OOC> Buster says, ".... New Jersey?"

<OOC> Buster says, "Eh, if they BOTH don't know, it would be WAY worse. ;D"

Jeremiah nods slowly. "Yes... they go to a place..." he points to the ground. "They go far, far below the ground."

GAME: Buster PASSES an INTELLIGENCE roll of Average difficulty.

Buster says, "The cellar?"

<OOC> Spike says, "Heyah, Sci-Fi's from Jersey !"

Buster says, "It's dark down there."

<OOC> Buster says, "Confirmed, then."

Buster starts to get a little frightened by his grandfather's demeanor.

Jeremiah shakes his head ."No... all the way down. Where it's nothing but fire." He lightly pinches Buster's arm. "You have to live there forever...and your little flesh is burned...all the time." He then pokes Spike's side. "And devil's poke your side."

Spike turns very, very, very serious.

Jeremiah smiles - a tad sadistically.

Buster ows at the pinch, and puts his fingers in his mouth, scowling and ready to blubber

Jermiah quietly shushes the two. "Now, your dad - when he dies, he'll go to heaven." He tilts his head. "But your mom...when she dies..." He shakes his head sadly. "Because she doesn't want to raise you two in a godly household... she'll be burning in hell...forever."

Buster's eyes get really wide in growing terror.

Jeremiah elaborates. "Her skin...will burn and crackle. And heal. And it will happen again and again...forever!"

Spike 's eyes widen in horror.

Buster's lip quivers around his fingers.

Margaret hovers over. "Honey, we should be heading back!" Jeremiah nods and gets up. Happy he put the fear of god into at least SOME of the Witwicky households. Someone has to rescue them from Gawd's wrath. He turn quickly turns to the two and shakes his head. "Now don't you say NOTHIN' about what I just said. You just go back to playin' with your toys!"

Jeremiah gets up and heads to Sparkplug. The only compliment he gives. "That was a nice dinner, son." He pats his son's shoulder once and doesn't even regard Susan as he goes out to the car.

Buster nods fearfully.

<OOC> Buster says, "Nice. What an ass. LOL"

A few hours later, around 2 a.m. Sparkplug and Susan are STILL in Buster and Spike's room. The two have not been able to sleep.

Buster has been crying inconsolably and won't say why.

Spike looks at his mom and dad. "But dad, you said it yourself, grandpa knows EVERYTHING about the Bible!" He starts crying himself. "Mom, you can't go to hell! You can't!"

Susan Witwicky looks at the two and shakes her head. "I...grandpa... DOES know a lot about the Bible...but..."

Buster just cries, and hasn't spoken a word in hours.

Spike 's eyes well up. "You can't go to hell!"

Susan Witwicky looks at Sparkplug, then looks up, thinking. Then she looks at the two. "Ok...ok..." She turns on the light in their room. Might as well. They're not going to bed anytime soon. "See...the Bible... it's like...it's 2 books in one... " She looks at Spike and Buster. "Make sense?"

Susan Witwicky says calmly, although for her and Sparkplug, their morning will begin in only 3 hours.

Susan Witwicky sits down and motions Buster over and Spike over. She extends her arms, hoping each will flop over to each side.

Spike flops down to Susan's side. As much as he worships his dad, there are times where, if present, a mom's care is second to none. She shushes Spike and smooths his hair, spiked and wet from the stresses of the night.

Susan Witwicky gives Sparkplug a tired, exasperated look. The two haven't had to do with an all nighter in almost 2 years when the two had dueling ear infections.

Sparkplug tries to back up his wife, but his anger is so ready to boil that all he can do is clench and unclench his massive, calloused hands, and try to keep his temper under control.

Susan Witwicky is beyond anger right now. Her first order of business - to detraumatize the two children. "OK...so...the Bible...is 2 books."

Spike wipes his eyes and blows his nose into his PJs...again. "Yeah.."

Buster just buries his head into his mother's side.

Spike looks at dad and sniffles. "Dad, I got a stomach ache. Can you get me some medicine, please?"

Sparkplug nods. Something physical, right. This he can handle. He practically flees the room to get his son medication.

Susan Witwicky thinks carefully. "OK...now... the Bible is a mysteeeeeerious book. And a lot of people..." She looks down at Buster. "You know what 'interpret' means?"

GAME: Buster PASSES an INTELLIGENCE roll of Immense difficulty.

Buster nods his head silently. Smart kid.

Spike says, "It's like...what you think a book means?""

Susan Witwicky grins at her son. "Exactly." She buries her face on Buster's head and blows on his hair. "Well... some... a very very, very small group of people think that God is mad at us and wants to punish us." She adds quickly. "BUT - the SECOND book - shows that Jesus loved us ALL and wants ALL of us to go to heaven!"

Spike 's eyes widen. "But no one knows the Bible like grandpa!"

Buster just cries, and doesn't seem to be really following the logic of the argument.

Susan Witwicky smiles compassionately at Spike. "You know... there ARE people who know MORE about the Bible than grandpa." She adds "Now, it's rude to TELL him that. So, we won't."

Susan Witwicky kisses Buster's hot forehead. "But Jesus said if you're good - you'll go to heaven. See, grandpa knows a LOT, but he only pays attention to Book 1. YOu HAVE to pay attention to both books. And the second book is more important than the first." She adds "See...maybe God WAS angry at us humans, like Grandpa said. But then Jesus was born. And ALL that changed!"

Susan Witwicky thinks... OK - that's all I got for Bible knowledge. I hope this works.

Spike sniffles and holds his stomach, which has been stabbing him for the past ... well, ever since Jeremiah left. "So...you're not going to hell?!"

Susan Witwicky quietly runs her hand up and down Buster's arm. "Shhhh...it's ok."

Spike blows his nose again in his now-soaked Spiderman PJs.

Spike remains velcro'd to Susan's side, but instead, opts to lie down on the carpet, Giving Susan the ability to slowly rock Buster with both arms.

Sparkplug comes back with Pepto-Busmol and a glass of water.

Spike slowly takes the dose of Pepto. Then greedily gulps down the water.

Sparkplug sits down heavily on the floor next to his wife, leaning over to give her a reassuring pat.

Susan Witwicky smiles wisely as she rocks Buster. "So...I can find you... a hundred, no, a thousand! No, ten thousand Bible experts who'll say each and every one of us will go to heaven!"

"Granpa knows a lot about the Bible, but it's a tough book to read. With LOTS and LOTS of interpretations. So... lots of people think he read that part wrong."

Buster finally calms down enough that he starts to fall asleep in his mother's arm.

Susan Witwicky quietly shakes Buster awake. "Honey, this is important. I am NOT going to hell. YOU are not going to hell. Dad's not going to hell!"

Buster stares up at his mother in sleepy confusion.

Susan Witwicky grins. "A long, long, long, long, LONG time from now. When your children have their children. And... when we all meet again, we'll all meet in heaven!" She adds "But that is so far from now - you can't even imagine!"

Buster can definitely not imagine.

Spike looks to dad and mom. "You both promise that? You're both not going to hell?"

Susan Witwicky nods. "I promise! Cross my heart."

Buster nods sleepily.

Susan Witwicky slowly leads Buster into bed. "OK, it's really late. And you have school tomorrow."

Susan Witwicky soothes Buster's hair out and kisses his forehead.

Buster nods again, slipping back into sleep before even hitting the pillow. Calmer, but still not saying a word.

Spike gets into bed as well. He's 9. But he extends his arms for his dad.

Sparkplug goes over to give his sons each an awkward hug and kiss good-night.

Susan Witwicky tiredly plods back to her and Sparkplug's bed. She looks at the clock. 3:15 a.m "Jeeeesus...We gotta be up in 3 hours."

Sparkplug mutters, "I'm gonna kill 'im. It's bad enough how he treats Judy and you, but now our kids? He's the one that can go to hell!"

Sparkplug keeps his voice down so the kids won't here, but he's nearly vibrating with anger, even dead tired.

Susan Witwicky looks at Sparkplug and folds her arms. "OK... But from now on - he isn't allowed next to either one of them unless you or I are there." She looks at Sparkplug - more of a partner than a husband in this relationship. "Is that OK?"

Sparkplug growls, "That's more than OK. I'm about to tell him he's banned from seeing them at all! If it wouldn't kill Mom I'd cut off contact with him altogether. There's a reason I went to Korea to get away from that man!"

Susan Witwicky sighs and crawls under the sheet. She nods and then snuggles up next to Sparkplug. "I know honey...let's just... we gotta get some sleep." She pauses then pats Sparkplug's slightly expanding stomach. "I was actually hoping tonight you and I could maybe take a stab at kid no. 3 when everyone else was finally gone."

Susan Witwicky closes her eyes and tries to fall asleep, but so much hurt, anger and motherly pissed-off protectiveness is still swimming through her head. If anything, when the two are zombies tomorrow, she'll despise Jeremiah even more.

Sparkplug manages a chuckle. "Well, that ain't gonna happen tonight, that's for sure. Maybe next Labor Day we go somewhere south and leave Mom and Dad in Chicago!"

Susan Witwicky mumbles "mmm..." as she tries desperately to get some zzsss before the ever approaching morning.

Sparkplug silently glowers at the ceiling, staying quiet to let his wife sleep, but not getting any shut-eye before morning.