Small Potatoes

Log Title: Small Potatoes Characters: Cookie, Kamakura, Poise Location: Idaho Date: October 20, 2019 TP: Attack of the Killer Potatoes TP Summary: A handful of Joes are attacked by a small swarm of angry potatoes. As logged by  Cookie

Log session starting at 18:40:33 on Sunday, 20 October 2019.

'''A chilly wind blows over the fields of Idaho. The nearest town is the tiny Atomic City, once known as Midway because it was midway between the two towns worth visiting along this highway. Some of the fields are harvested, but one still sports drying plants, the wreckage of a dented combine turned over onto a county road and blocking traffic. A nearby house and barn stand wide open, the windows shattered and any humans or animals either gone or... well, lets hope they got away. It's eerily quiet- not even birds overhead.'''

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "So....whats going on?"

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "You might not believe this, but I saw some potatoes attack somebody at a fair in Idaho."

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "Oh I believe it. Quick question though."

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "What's Idaho, and whats potatoes?"

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "Idaho's a state in the United States."

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "Potatoes are a starchy tuber that grows on a plant. We eat them, normally."

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "ah and... okay I know this sounds silly to you, but I can extrapolate that your planted food doesn't generally assault people."

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "Jeepers"

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "Not normally. Plants mostly just sit there. Even flytraps don't move all that fast."

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "okay, so lets see if we can find these tubers then. Do we know if we're cleared for civilians in the area?"

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "Police have cleared the roads. If we do run into somebody, they're either lost or in deep shit."

'''Cookie pulls over to the side of the road in one of the motorpool's utility trucks not far from the combine. She puts it in park and steps out to take a look at the battered machine.'''

'''Poise gives the area a curious look as she swings off the side of the vehicle and lands on her feet. She adjusts her green sunglasses and looks over them. "Well....yeah this looks pretty vacant." The Nebulan pauses then draws her sidearm, keeping it low. "Tubers eh?"'''

'''Kamakura is driving his motorcycle alongside the group, catching up to them. Hes along for the ride today, "Yeah, one of the best foods on the planet." He says, joining the group. "Attacking potatoes hmm? did anyone bring their salad shooter? If not there might be a problem."'''

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "I am not sure if I can scan for these things at least until I know more about what they are."

'''Cookie whistles as she inspects the dents in the combine. "This thing is wrecked- the forks are ruined, the clutch is torn out, the sensors smashed.. this is scrap." She picks out a small wedge of potato from the bent and mangled tines and tosses it Poise's way. "That's the suspect. Got bits of 'em all over this thing."'''

'''Poise snags the potato piece out of the air, and gives it a once over. "Hrmmm. Distinct smell....Pretty wet too. I don't know if my system can work with this just yet, but I'll give it a scan." She gives a nonverbal command to her hovercycle. The Turbinecycle's sidecar flips over to reveal an orb-like array, that she starts to introduce the potato to.'''

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "I'm more optical than olfactory, but I'll see what I can pull up. Most likely it's not going to be much good if it smells just like a standard tuber, since they're everywhere."

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "Let's hope that field over there isn't all the angry kind."

Kamakura nods "Allright. Hopefully whatever it is is done but be on the lookout."

GAME: Cookie PASSES an INTELLIGENCE roll of Immense difficulty.

GAME: Kamakura PASSES an INTELLIGENCE roll of Immense difficulty.

GAME: Poise FAILS an INTELLIGENCE roll of Immense difficulty.

Call it being observant, or just dumb luck, but both Cookie and Kamakura catch the barest hint of movement from some of the plants in the ground just before some of the tubers break out of the dirt and roll towards the Joes; eyes full of murderous intent.

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "I see what you mean about the starch though."

'''Cookie pulls her pistol. "Shit! I said the magic words, didn't I?" She takes a couple of shots at the dirty spuds.'''

'''>> Cookie strikes Pocket of Potatoes with Pistol . <<'''

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "Potatoes moving at 2 o'clock! The ones at the festival went down easy enough, but this is a lot more."

[G.I. Joe] Kamakura says, "This is insane. What makes mutant potatoes?"

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "wait, what?"

'''The potatoes roll and bounce over the ground; surprisingly fast for, normally, inanimate objects. The small, brown objects hurling themselves against the humanoids with reckless abandon.'''

'''>> Pocket of Potatoes strikes Cookie with Kick. <<'''

'''>> Pocket of Potatoes misses Kamakura with Kick. <<'''

'''>> Pocket of Potatoes strikes Poise with Kick. <<'''

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "Oof"

'''Kamakura takes his katana off his back and heads towards the Potatoes. "Allright. Time to make some jullienne fries. Come on, spuds. Lets see what you've got!" with that he dives on in!'''

'''>> Kamakura strikes Pocket of Potatoes with Sword. <<'''

'''Cookie ouches, throwing up an arm to protect her face as she backs away from the potatoes enough to kick at a couple of them. "Wish I had my chef's knife!"'''

'''>> Cookie strikes Pocket of Potatoes with Kick. <<'''

'''Poise gets clocked by hurtled potatoes as she's distracted. The weaponfire alerted her too late to the attack. She gets shoved up against the side of her hovercycle, then looks down to the animated potatoes. "Well....I mean I was told exactly what to expect, I guess." Poise raises her booted foot and just stomps at them. She calls out, "I feel I should make some sort of tuber reference!"'''

'''>> Poise misses Pocket of Potatoes with Kick. <<'''

'''Even as the ninja and Sea Bee dispatch some of their assailants more pull themselves free of the dirt to join in rolling, dumping, and mashing horde. they tubers swarm around the Joes and the vehicles, heedless hurling themselves at them all.'''

'''>> Pocket of Potatoes misses Kamakura with Smash. <<'''

'''>> Pocket of Potatoes misses Poise with Mash. <<'''

'''>> Pocket of Potatoes misses Cookie with Mash. <<'''

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "that's a lot more tubers."

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "Me and my big mouth. Got a flamethrower?"

'''Kamakura starts to kick the potatoes away, eyes widening. "Oh man. Here they come..." hes a flury of kicks and sword strikes, hitting as many potatoes as he can. "I am not gonna get beat up by potatoes!"'''

'''>> Kamakura strikes Pocket of Potatoes with Rapid-Strike. <<'''

Pocket of Potatoes is overcome by injuries, losing consciousness.

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "I don't think that's general issue."

'''Cookie gets a bit of clear space to catch her breath, but now there's -more- of them. "Aw, damn." She pulls the heaviest piece of machinery she can manage and throws it at the vegetable throng.'''

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "Did these little things really do that much damage to everything?"

'''>> Cookie misses Swarm of Potatoes with Bash. <<'''

'''All things considered, its been pretty inefficient with Poise sort of dancing around the potatoes, her feet failing to connect with them. Its not that she's scared, but the Nebulan is definitely off her game, and she's several eons old! She frowns as reinforcement veggies approach, and pushes up her sunglasses again. "Oh this is just bewildering." Not to be outdone, she makes a short hop forward, to squash a few taters, before she gets into the thick of it.'''

'''>> Poise strikes Swarm of Potatoes with Kick. <<'''

'''Kamakura's fist and sword work do stem the tide, but as Cookie pointed out earlier the team is between fields full of unharvested produce. The potatoes kicking up a fair amount of dust and leaving starchy stains on clothes, boots, blades, and fists as they eaither pulp themselves or are cruched and cut.'''

'''>> Swarm of Potatoes misses Cookie with Slam. <<'''

'''>> Swarm of Potatoes misses Poise with Slam. <<'''

'''>> Swarm of Potatoes misses Kamakura with Slam. <<'''

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "There's no way these did all this damage though."

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "not unless there are actual....wait whats the word for weight on this planet? Tonnze?"

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "Depends on scale. A metric ton is 1000 kilograms, or just over 2000 pounds"

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "that much'd do the damage here"

'''Kamakura starts to kick at the potatoes. "They just keep coming. How many potatoes are there in...Idaho. Oh man. This was funny at fitst but now..."'''

[G.I. Joe] Kamakura says, "Its a lot man. They just keep coming!"

'''>> Kamakura strikes Swarm of Potatoes with Kick. <<'''

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "Maybe we should take some of these tubers in....alive?"

[G.I. Joe] Kamakura says, "we can try"

'''Cookie dodges a few flying taters and grabs a board to swat them back into the oncoming mass. "Ugh. We get out of this, I'm going to order a buttload of french fries and eat them in revenge. Get back you stupid sidedishes!"'''

'''>> Cookie strikes Swarm of Potatoes with Slam. <<'''

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "There's gotta be a reason why these are moving and the ones in Wal-Mart aren't."

[G.I. Joe] Kamakura says, "Anyone have a big tub of butter and sour cream?"

[G.I. Joe] Kamakura says, "Thats what I want to know too, Cookie?"

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "Thats a weird thi......oh this is a food reference."

'''Poise grinds a few taters beneath her heels, and grimaces at the sight of the mashed things. "Bleah." She simply just raises her knees and proceeds to continue with the stomping. "This honestly isn't what I expected from signing up with Earth...."'''

'''>> Poise misses Swarm of Potatoes with Kick. <<'''

'''Poise continues to further stomp the rememnants of her previous victims and attackes beneath the tread of her boot. Meanwhile Cookie and Kamakura manage to mash more of the rolling menace into pieces, dripping with starch. Good thing thing will all come out in the wash. Thee ordeal isn't over with yet, more of the multi-eyed menaces hop and go after the pair of humans and singular alien.'''

'''>> Swarm of Potatoes misses Cookie with Mash. <<'''

'''>> Swarm of Potatoes misses Poise with Mash. <<'''

'''>> Swarm of Potatoes misses Kamakura with Mash. <<'''

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "I'm not one to call things lost causes, but this isn't doing so well."

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "There's probably some burlap around here we could use to grab a couple."

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "There's bound to be one of those earth tiller things or something around here."

[G.I. Joe] Kamakura says, "THat could be useful. I'l try to distract them. Lets hope they dotnt have a potato queen or something"

'''Kamakura tries to run, slicing his way through t potatoes. "come on you spuds. Follow me. This way." distraction time!'''

'''>> Kamakura strikes Swarm of Potatoes with Sword. <<'''

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "That doesn't make any sense."

Cookie heads towards the barn, batting away any potatoes that come after her as she looks for a sack to catch a couple in.

'''>> Cookie strikes Swarm of Potatoes with Punch. <<'''

Swarm of Potatoes is overcome by injuries, losing consciousness.

'''Either the members of the elite, special forces unit have subdues all their fearsome plant based enemies, or most of the rest have simply fled is open to interpretation. As the sounds of combat fade there is a faint, dull thumping coming from inside of the depths of the tractor's engine compartment.'''

'''Poise shakes her head. She could stomp all day long, but there's a lot of these things. By the looks of it, there's probably FIELDS of them. "Maybe some of this machinery still works or there's some flammables." Poise backs off, even as Cookie clears the last visible ones away. She's already pretty close to the tractor, though it appeared to be non functional. With the thumping noise alerting her, she cues in, <<Guys. There's something in this tractor. It could be a survivor!" She hurries over towards it, and waits for the others to gather before opening.'''

'''Cookie is almost to the barn when she hears Poise calling her back. Huh. No more spuds attacking. The SeaBee jogs back to the tractor. "Probably need to have some people come back and sweep the area with some flamethrowers or armored machinery. If they took out a combine, they can probably take out any standard tractor."'''

'''Poise shrugs as Cookie approaches, "Which brings me back to my thought. Either these things move in tandem and mass or there's something we haven't seen." With Cookie there to cover her, in case there was another surprise, Poise leans in from the side, and moves to pull up the engine's hood to see what was in there.'''

Tucked away within the engine compartment is small poato, about the size of a childs fist, doing it's best to try and batter through the solid metal engine block.

[G.I. Joe] Poise says, "its another one. Well..I guess this is the one to examine."

'''Kamakura pauses. "Well.. um... they're done now." he looks around "Lets see if we can find one to bring back."'''

'''Cookie peers into the compartment with Poise. "Huh. Persistent, isn't it?" She takes off her jacket and offers it as a means to catch the little bugger.'''

[G.I. Joe] Cookie says, "Bringing back a potato that actually moves on its own will make me feel slightly less like a crazy person when I write up the reports."

'''Poise calls out to Kamakura, " Yeah we found one alone here. Guess they can't just punch through metal no matter how hard they try." She assists Cookie, keeping the lid to block the potato's movement, until Cookie scoops it up. She looks around again, "No signs of tracks for anything bigger....what did all this?"'''

'''Cookie scoops up the little tater and knots her jacket around it. "Nothing but potatoes. Well, if you've ever shot a potato cannon, then you know they can be dangerous enough if they get enough speed."'''

Log session ending at 21:01:37 on Sunday, 20 October 2019.